Ode to my mother

My mom had the good sense to buy me a Texas Tomorrow Fund account 11 years ago when we came into a little money. It works like this, whenever you put money into the account your college tuition rates are locked in for that year. So I sign up for classes and confirm my attendance. No money exchanged, no nothing. From a $2,000 balance (for 6 hours for 51/2 week session) to $0 just like that. They needed a copy of my Texas Tomorrow Fund id card once. It is like magic. What a genius! She paid for 4 years of college to any public Texas University for $9,000. What a deal!

I have a rant

Let me tell you a little secret. I am very nerdy and so is Kyle. We like the show "How it's Made". I record all of them and sometimes they show 6 or more shows a week that we haven't seen. This is impressive because we have seen A LOT of them. We watched one about laser eye surgery the other day I thought I would actually throw up. They use the slicer contraption that looks like a mini version of something you cut thinly sliced potatoes. Mandolin? You know what I'm talking about. Moving on.

My problem with the show is this: they will explain the most obvious stuff the nth degree. Yet, information that isn't extremely obvious or something that seems really obscure they will barely touch on then move on.

Example: Boat compass. They go on and on and on about what the fucking compass is made out of. Those of us with eyes can see that it is made from wood and they glue it together. They get the guts of the compass and are explaining a little then say a small sapphire is placed in the bottom. No explanation, no nothing. Is this some sort of wizardry I missed out on? What the fuck does the sapphire do?

This isn't the only time they played this wicked little mind game with us. This just happens to be the only example I can think of.

I'm nervous

I don't have a job. That hasn't happened for a very long time. In between jobs sure, but no job? When it is right down to it, I'm not sure I can manage. It is really scary.

Orientation starts on Tuesday. I have to check in between 7 and 8 AM (we all know how I love the mornings) and I don't get to register until 4:30pm. As I really don't feel up to top speed it will be a long day. I don't feel good enough to walk a block and I can take about 5 minutes of standing before I need to sit down. It is making me a little nervous.

Plus, that "I haven't done this before" nervousness that is totally irrational and will sometimes stop you from doing new things.

I've been very sick

I have been really sick since Sunday morning. I thought I was just hung over from drinking THREE drinks at Corley's graduation party. I'm pretty sure I was sick. Today is the first day I've been able to sit at the computer. I have watched so much tv it is unbelievable. I lost about five pounds this week. Three more pounds and I will weigh as much as I did in high school. So pretty much I'm wasting away. Nothing like violent illness to get you ready for bikini season, right?

In the middle of being deathly ill I had to go to the Tool concert. I couldn't miss it. We drive over an hour to San Antonio. We have to walk a long way from the car to our seats with no breaks. So when we get to our seats I'm tired. There was some shit band before Tool we had to suffer through. Then Tool comes on and everybody stands up. Well, fuck if I can stand up for two hours. I could stand up a little if I wanted to see something or peek through people but mostly I saw the backs of the people in front of me.

Oh, by the way those people where on their cell phones almost the entire time. If they weren't on their cell phones they were chit chatting to one another. This is becoming an epidemic every time we go to a concert there is someone yelling in our ear. I did not spend 50 fucking dollars to hear those people chat. I'm done ranting. Let me tell you how weird Maynord is.

He comes out in some tight jeans and a tight white undershirt, boots and an old bent up cowboy hat. That is weird, but during the first song he takes the hat off and does some sort of a back bend kind a thing and it waving the hat around over his head like his is riding a bull. At one point he goes behind the giant equipment wall (we can see him back there because we are about 150 ft up and really close the side of the stage) he sits down and takes off his boots. The whole stage was a projector. Which was really, really neat-o. But unfortunately the vocals weren't turned up enough so we couldn't hear him singing. The drums were way to high. Before they come on Kyle says to me that he thinks this bass might shake a shit out of him. The first boom of bass and I was like oh my god that might actually happen to me. For the entire first song my stomach gurgled to the bass. When the bass shook my stomach my stomach churned. Thankfully I got used to it, but after two hours I was incredibly tired.

Where was I?

I definitely need to see L.A. Confidential again. I don't remember any of this stuff. I have another 200 pages in the book before I'm done. But it is down to the wire. I can't stop thinking about Bud White. I love him. I didn't love him in the movie. I really dislike Russell Crowe. I'm sure that was the problem before. I will try to look past those things. I love, love, love Kevin Spacey. Love him.

I'm off to read.

On a some what adjacent note

I recieved my Mp3 player that I bought online at the cheapest price I found. I ended up going with a Creative due to the downloadable library books. (That's why this is adjacent.) And I ended up getting a 30gb. What can I say it screamed value. I could have bought a couple of gigs for 100 or got 15 times the storage for only double the price. Bargain! Plus between me and Kyle we have a lot of music. I didn't realize until I started putting it on there. I never thought that seeing a list of alphabetized musicians could bring me such pleasure.

P.S. I think I'm in love with Amy Winehouse. You Know I'm No Good favorite song this week.

"I cheated myself like I knew I would
I told you I was trouble
You know that I'm no good"

I love books

So, we all know I'm reading L.A. Confidential. But, did you know that a friend gave me this book many, many , many years ago? The same friend that I was thinking about in this post. For some reason I never read it. I have no idea why. I always kept it at fingers length and never read the damn thing. If I had it would have been the first in a long list of gritty, filth that I just love. It's is like Iceberg Slim, but not true and really long, and the white side of town. I saw this movie years ago. I don't remember any of the violence and seediness. Quentin Tarantino should have directed it. He can do seediness and violence and still make it watchable.

L.A. Confidential

Baby Birds

The swallow nest above our front door as seen on flickr has two little babies in it. They are cute. They both will stick there head out of the nest and rest their chin on the side. Double cute. I expect real soon they will hop down and ask if I'm their mother. But there dad is pissed off even more than before. Holy moly! I walked to the mail box this morning and he dive bombed half the way there.

Pass me by. I'll be fine. Just give me time.

I wish I could take everything I have seen and heard and done in the past 9 years off just like a winter coat. I would hang it in the closet and store it for the summer. I still need that heavy coat, no doubt, but just for a little while I would like to feel a cool breeze on my bare shoulders.

I sat out on the driveway tonight trying to get it back, that feeling like tomorrow will always be better. Maybe it is the feeling that there is something different out there just around the corner. The silence of suburbia is deafening. The white noise of cars driving by and the crinkle of paper burning as I take a long drag off a cigarette are the only things to keep me company. And just for a second I thought I had it. But it slipped away before I could get a good hold on it.

Cigarettes make me feel like a kid. If only I had someone to hide them from.

Some people are afraid of change. I'm afraid of static. But it always finds me. It hunts me down. For some reason I give in to it. It comes sneaking in like a prowler, and all I can do is hide under the covers. But just when things get going good and steady I make a break for it and muck it all up real good, then try to make my way back. One of these days I'm not going to be able to go back. I will have fucked it up one to many times. Then what?

"Oh, the problems we had then. How were we to know we were happy?"

Done

I finished The Handmaid's Tail. As if it was some sort of race.




What now?

Unsolved Mysteries

I always hated that show as a child. I found it terrifying. I just didn't want to watch. The narrator and his creepy voice, it was all to much.

Now I find my life is like that, an unsolved mystery. I image that same voice narrating the things I found in my car and wondered about. Saying something mysterious and eerie. Where has all the time gone? What happened to all the things I did, but I just can't remember? Are they gone forever? Will I wake up one day with a memory of some lost action? Do I live these lost, forgotten deeds out in my dreams? How many things have I taken for granted? Why can't I seem to make myself stop it?

Pay attention! I'm screaming this. It hasn't caught on yet.

Would it be better to get rid of everything and never be reminded of the things you did in some version of your life that doesn't belong to you anymore?

The Glove Compartment

I cleaned out my car today. And I mean cleaned it. Big time. I have this little arm rest in between the front seats it opens up, you store things in it. I probably haven't cleaned it since I got the car. Six years ago. I found all sorts of stuff in there. Josh's number, Beth's number, Chris's number, all manner of aged breath mints, a tiny, little bottle of eyelash adhesive, change, tampons, pens. You know, all the things a girl needs in her arm rest for god only knows how many years and never uses any of it. Now you must be thinking, Who the hell is Josh? Cause I certainly am. All those other people make perfect sense. However, Josh is really baffling me. I got nothing.

The Handmaid's Tail

I am reading Margaret Atwood. I am 60 something pages in and I am totally hooked. I absolutely love it. LOVE IT! She is a beautiful writer. Just beautiful.

The intimacies of live music

The Damien Rice concert was incredible. The best concert I believe I have ever been to.

He started out so soft, and sultry and right when you needed it he came on strong and hard and raw. But before he could overwhelm you with all the screaming he slowed it down again. Right when you thought you were going to have to beg for more, he gave you just what you needed. Your fingers slip from the handle you had on reality. When he slows it down again you have to catch your breath and open your eyes to get your bearings and figure out where you are.

Wait... What are we talking about? Oh, yeah. The concert.

And just when you think you can't scream anymore, he came. Again... For an encore.

The cartoon version of me

I was bored and spent way to much time creating my yahoo avatar. For absolutely no reason other than to go through all the little outfits. It was entertaining me. It takes very little. So here it is.

Damien Rice

Tomorrow, Corley and I are going to see Damien Rice. I am very excited. I've been listening to Grey Room like it is going out of style.

I went to the park today

Everything is so green. I tried to use the microphone on my camera to get all the birdie and insect noises. It didn't work so good. I wish there was a little place where it would save the smell for replay. When will they be able to turn smells into 1's and 0's? It smelled so freash and clean and new.

Here are the highlights. Go to flickr and see every last photo. I took a lot.

My days are filled with wonderment

Things that are quite simply a total mind fuck:

Digital cameras- What the hell is it doing in there? 35mm cameras are not a mystery. What the hell is it burning the image on. I can't rap my head around it.

Records- Little grooves turned into sound? How is that even possible? A series of grooves? I watched the complicated process of record making. The whole time thinking, my god, this is so complex for such an outdated technology.

The Interweb- Call me crazy, but what the fuck is it? What is going on? There are so many 1's and 0's out there it boggles the mind.

There are a million other things that I just don't get. But, alas, I can not remember them.

"From now on when people ask me what I want to be when I grow up I will tell them, Amnesiac."

I'm thinking, right now, about cutting all of my hair off. Should I do it? Will I have the guts if everyone says yes?

Still my roof has got no ceiling

One minute your doing perfectly harmless paper crafts and you think what a good idea it would be to listen to music. The next thing you know you are listening to that music and thinking about the boy that turned you on... to it. Then you are thinking about that boy, that summer. There is always a smile. But you just have to wonder.... is he okay? Is he in love? Does he have a wife or kids? A steady job? Will I ever find out? I hope he is good, because he did a great thing for me. He made me feel incredible about myself at a time when your young and unsure of yourself. Sometimes the wonder of life really touches me. Just the way people and relationships mold your life. Well, wherever you are, thank you. I sincerely hope you find something really great out there.

Early morning edit: Henry DeTamble reminds me of him. This is probably the reason I love The Time Traveler's Wife the way I do. I think it is the dark hair, light eyes phenomenon.

That summer always leads to thinking about Corley. It was a great summer. The very best summer of my life, in a way that was so carefree. I had so much fun.

and some days it feels like nothing
it always used to feel like plenty.

So, I'm fairly sure that it hasn't quite sunk in yet that I got accepted to UT. I just don't feel it. Everyday I think maybe today will be the day when I stop feeling so apprehensive and just relax. Not yet.

Break-ins

Our neighbor two houses down scared someone off trying to break into their home. This is really weird to me. For one thing I leave our back door open (not unlocked, but literally open) pretty much around the clock whether we are home or not. My car is almost never locked and most of the time our front door isn't locked either. They wouldn't even have to break in to our house they could just stroll in. Second of all they said they were two teenage kids running away. They tried to break in at midnight when the people were home. They live on the corner so they don't have a privacy fence, and they kids were trying to get in the back door. Let me say this again cause I just don't believe it, the occupants of the house were there. This is the safest neighborhood I have ever lived in. Not that I haven't lived in some safe neighborhoods, but this one is by far the safest. Nobody lives here but middle aged white people. They might break into your retirement fund, but they won't break into your house. In fact our neighborhood is so white bred that a couple months back me and Kyle were leaving the house and there was a black man walking his dog and it really took me by surprise. I was telling Kyle, "Look! Look! There is a black man! " We lived here for over a year and had never seen one black person. I haven't seen him again. The other people probably ran him out of town.