White Christmas

It snowed on Christmas. Check it.

Merry Christmas!

We're off to New Zealand tomorrow.

I'll tell you all about it when we get back.

Until then,

My ovaries are black holes that suck all hope and joy out of every situation.

I want sensory deprivation for the next two weeks. I'm going to have PMS on vacation. Joy.

Sometimes life makes me feel like I am trying to jump into double dutch- a small sense of anxiety, head nodding and missed opportunity. When I do finally jump I feel like I just get tangled in the ropes.

By sometimes I mean two weeks out of every month. And for those two weeks my whole outlook on life is changed. Like I'm a completely different person, only worse because I can see how I'm acting and I can't do anything about it. Trapped like a rat.

Maybe I have PMDD. In the symptom column check "yes" to all. Especially decreased interest, it says in "usual" activities, but make a mental note "all" activities. Even New Zealand really isn't enough to get me excited. What a sad, sad day when vacation to someplace I have been wanting to go for years now doesn't even put a blip on my excitement radar.

I should really start documenting my moods. I don't feel like it.

Memories

In light of Corley's post about guilt I thought I would tell you something I remember. It has nothing to do with guilt, but similar in the fact that really insignificant things needle their way inside sometimes.

I have no idea why I remembered this particular incident this morning, but every time I do it stings a little. Last Christmas at Kyle's family, one of his uncles (who was going through a hard divorce and was pretty doped on either alcohol or anti-depressants or both) brought up the fact that I graduated from college. I said yes and smiled. He said, "Nobody thought you could do it." Still smiling, I kind of nodded. He didn't mean to say it and in a moment of weakness the absolute truth came out. Luckily, only Kyle and his mom were around and she quickly changed the subject. I was kind of stunned but tried to act normal. I never quit smiling. I never even brought it up again with Kyle.

Another time even longer ago (maybe two or three years) one of Kyle's cousins came over. He is quite the drinker. He was in town and too drunk to drive 30 miles home so he came over to our house to sober up. He called Kyle and asked if it was okay, but Kyle wasn't home. So Kyle calls me and he comes over (he was already in the driveway). I don't know why he said it. I can't quite remember anymore. But I think he was talking about how much he liked me and Kyle. Which is nice. He said, "I think y'all are great together. I don't care what anyone says." He definitely didn't mean to say it. I'm not quite sure he knew where he was, but all the same the truth comes leaking out. That one didn't sting so much as make me wonder. Who says? I didn't tell Kyle about that either. Who am I kidding I didn't wonder. I knew exactly who would say things like that, the same people who would think that I couldn't possibly graduate from college.

I really shouldn't let it bother me. I should have gotten over the fact that besides Kyle's parents the rest of his family wasn't fond of me a long time ago. You know, like 10 years ago. To be fair, most of his aunts and uncles lives are so fucked up I look like a bastion of normalcy. Doesn't make it any less shocking and hurtful when people I see maybe three times a year have such poor opinions of me. They no more knew me than the man in the moon.

My thighs weren't made for tights.

One hell of a winter

Last week I felt like shit. This week it feels like shit outside. You know I hate the cold? Loathe even. Despise. It is painful. I hate that going outside is some big fucking ordeal. You can't just pop out of the house in a t-shirt and jeans, as I am wont to do. (Or the ol' prison uniform, as friends have deemed it, which consists of a wife beater and a hideous pair of shorts that are The Dude-esque beige plaid.) There have been years of my life were I haven't wore any shorts, but these past few years I have found a love for long shorts and I'm missing them now. Not that I would be wearing shorts in Austin in the winter either.

Moving on.

MAD MEN!!!!

Why have I not been watching this?!? So many people told me about it. I didn't pay attention. Not true, I simply didn't realize how imperative it was that I watch NOW. Now I am in love with Don Draper. The man can wear a suit. Then there was the scene in the bathroom with the woman manager of the comedian in Season 2. I think I blacked out a little after that. I broke out in a sweat. The show does make me hate/want to be a rich white man though. I mean really, the sorry fuckers. The whole world on a platinum platter and all they can do is bitch and moan. They have a family, they have money, they have all the pussy they can get their hands on and still unhappy. Suck it up. I shouldn't be so hard on them. I couldn't have lived then. Every little thing is a dick measuring contest. The petty bullshit and the jealousy, I would have been committed a long time ago. Everything was about appearances, kind of like Korea.

I'm simple

I finally realized why I have been having dreams about rape. I have been watching Law and Order:SVU. DUH!!! I fell asleep to it this afternoon. I had a dream that Kyle had two girlfriends. One of them was old enough to be his mother. That was totally normal. In the dream one of his friends broke into his house to steal something and found her there and raped her. I went to his house with some girl, apparently a friend and lots of people were there and I started cooking in the kitchen. It was the weirdest thing. I kept asking who would do that. They kept telling me Johnny. Then I would say Johnny who. Then someone would say, "You know. Johnny." Like that solved everything. I was thinking we don't know a white Johnny that doesn't make any sense.