Saturday, September 30, 2006

Creepy Love Song

Seven years ago tomorrow I went out with my now fiance for the first time. Seven years. That sounds so weird. Seven years. I can't get over it. But in honor of this very weird occasion, I thought I would post a very weird love song. But first I have this really great memory to share about me and Kyle.

We started talking to each other at work. He is really funny so natrually I enjoyed it. Then one day he gave me this small scrap of paper on it. It read, "I like pie. I like you." Of course he won my heart with his love of pie.

Give me your hand and I will hold it forever
On my nightstand in a box with your love letters
I love you dear, and I know we will not be parted
I'll keep you near, scattered around my apartment
This is not the same world you lived in
And I could breathe easier once I brought you back again
You are not the same girl you had been
I promised I'd never lose you

Give me your hair, just a lock will do
An old photograph to capture the spirit of you
And I'll keep these things wrapped up in an old cotton blouse
The one you wore that summer before your love petered out
This is not the same world you lived in
And I could breathe easier once I brought you back again
You are not the same girl you had been
I promised I'd never lose you

Laid on my bed
A beautiful mess
My whole world
Jigsaw girl
You gave me your hand
You gave me your hand
I don't understand why you don't want it back

This is not the same world you lived in
And I could breathe easier once I brought you back again
You are not the same girl you had been
I promised I'd never lose you
Honey I tell you true I'll never lose you..
I think I am going to vomit from sheer tiredness.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Will I pay for who I've been?

I have been listening to a lot of Tori Amos (if you haven't noticed). I like to sing Happy Phantom. It sounds like it is sort of cheery and fun. The lyrics are pretty bleak.

And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go chasin' the nuns out in the yard
And I'll run naked through the streets without my mask on
And I will never need umbrellas in the rain
I'll wake up in strawberry fields every day
And the atrocities of school I can forgive
The happy phantom has no right to bitch

Oo who, the time is getting closer
Oo who, time to be a ghost
Oo who, every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will we pay
For who we been, yeah

So if I die today, I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel
They'll be my ticket to the universal opera
There's Judy Garland taking Buddha by the hand
And then those seven little men get up to dance
They say Confucius does his crossword with a pen
I'm still the angel to a girl who hates to sin

Oo who, the time is getting closer
Oo who, time to be a ghost
Oo who, every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will I pay
For who I been, yeah

Or will I see you, dear, and wish I could come back
You found a girl that you could truly love again
Will you still call for me when she falls asleep
Or do we soon forget the things we cannot see

Oo who, the time is getting closer
Oo who, time to be a ghost
Oo who, every day we're getting closer
The sun is getting dim
Will I pay
For who I been, yeah
And if I die today
And if I die today
And if I die today
Ah-ha, chasing nuns out in the yard

"My screams got lost in a paper cup"

"Do you think there is a heaven where the screams have gone?"

Today I was driving to work and on the other side of the highway they had the highway shut down for a funeral precession. I-35 was shut down. Who the hell died? There was like four or five cops heading up the precession and there was a ton of bikers and a lot of the cars had American flags that you role up in your window. For some reason funeral processions make me queasy. All those people sad, having to go to a funeral. It really seems like a horrible time to drive. It just creeps me out for some reason. I start thinking about my own funeral and who would come.

Then not ten miles away there was some sort of wreck, I think. Again there was a lot of motorcycles. It was on the other side of the highway too, but we all slowed down so we could see what happened. As I drove by at seven miles an hour I watched some people in uniforms bent in half looking down at something. Of course you imagine the worst. Between me and that concrete retaining wall I am positive there was a mangled body. They were probably just looking for something. It was really hard to see what was going on but traffic was horrendous. Wrecks also bother me, because as I have said before I am sure I will die in a car crash. Because life it to cruel and the fact that every day I go to school I drive past and most of the time sit at the stop light were my grandfather was killed in a car crash and incidentally his insurance money is paying for my school has to mean something. Life is too much like a John Irving novel for it to not. The author of my life is giving me some huge foreshadowing .

One more thing about my drive to work. Last week I saw this little, white, satin pillow on the highway. It was right next to the retaining wall on the left hand side. It use to be a cat. But it was so perfect not squashed or bleeding at all. Everyday I pass it and it is still in the same position not getting run over or anything, but every day it gets dirtier and dirtier. There is no more hair on the tail and it is almost complete gray. The weird thing is is that there really aren't any residential areas where is it and there is about one foot of space between the retaining wall and the lane.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

I would start a club

I would start a club but then scheduling meetings would always be a problem. I found a creed for the club

Procrastinator's Creed

  • 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
  • 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
  • 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
  • 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
  • 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
  • 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
  • 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
  • 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
  • 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
  • 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
  • 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
  • 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
  • 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
  • 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.


Last night Grubb wasn't looking so hot and he was drooling everywhere. Usually this means that he might vomit. Sometimes when he is feeling bad he likes to sit by me or on me which is unusual. Little did I know he was going to sit by me on the couch and then projectile vomit on to the floor. It was frightening and hilarious all at once. Though I did feel bad for him.

We were watching this show called The Aristocrats. It is a documentary of a joke on HBO. Funny joke George Carlin did it best though. Well, maybe Bob Sagat his version was pretty funny too. The joke is pretty twisted I think that is what made him vomit, he is so uptight.

Monday, September 25, 2006


I watched Closer two times this weekend. I have seen it before it was a good movie so I bought it. I watched it the first time this weekend on a whim. I like to watch movies that I have already seen while I am crafting so all I have to do it listen. I was so taken by Clive Owen I had to watch it again. I also got sidetracked and stopped crafting just to watch him. You may have seen him in Sin City. He was striking in that movie, but nothing compares to his character in Closer. He is so vulgar and rugged, and mean. He gets dressed to tell his wife that he fucked a prostitute and he is dressed in a pair of jeans with no shoes or socks, and a navy blue, zip up turtle neck sweater with a white t-shirt looking thing underneath. It looked like he just stepped off a runway, he is gorgeous. I want to have his babies. Okay well maybe not that far, but I would like to do things that might produce a baby.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Just put me out of my misery already

I woke up at 8 AM today. Why? You ask. Good fucking question. I guess the answer is so I could come to this suck ass job and write on my fucking blog. So far on the way here I laughed myself silly listening to Tool (more to come). And have cried quietly in my little, tiny cube over Katie the dog reading really see where your day is going when you have cried before 10am. No where but up! I couldn't care less about someone talking about when people die, but it just breaks my very fragile heart when pets die. I also can't watch any show on TV about emergency vets, animal cops, or anything similar cause it takes about 2.3 seconds and I am bawling.

On the way to work I was listening to Tool, Enima as loud as it will turn up in my car. There was quite a bit of shaking and it sort of made my ears feel like they needed to pop, but that could have been because I had the sun roof open. But I stayed awake. As I was listening to Eulogy, I thought about Kyle saying that he wants to make everyone at his funeral sit through the whole cd. I thought it would be a fun idea to have your dying wish for Tool to play at your funeral. Then it dawned on my the best fucking idea ever, My Super Sweet 68 or My Super Sweet 75 or when ever you die , extravagant funerals with bands and MTV can play it thousands of times day. I was laughing so hard I had a little swervy-poo. Apparently there is a direct correlation between how much sleep and I get and how demented my humor is. I also thought it would be funny to have someone perform a spoken word version of eulogy.
"Would you die for me?
Don't you fucking lie.
Don't you step out of line. Don't you step out of line.
Don't you step out of line. Don't you step out of line.
Don't you step out of line. Don't you fucking lie."
For some reason this cracks me up.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The MINOR Accomplishements of Jackie Woodman

If you aren't watching this show you are totally missing out! It is THE funniest show on TV. Granted my sense of humor may be a little different from everyone else's. I am telling you FUNNY show. IFC on the weekends they play it a hundred times from Friday to Sunday. Check your local listings!

"Fat is the new tan."

Jackie is in a bar. Her friends makes her go (the oldest daughter from The Nanny). The friend leaves her, she is sitting at a table all by herself. A man in his mid twenties I would say comes up to her and tells her that he has met her before. She quips something about I would believe that if I wasn't as old as antiquity or some such thing. He keeps going saying, "No I saw you at [such and such] bar vomiting in the back. You kept insisting on giving me your card and telling me your name and address." He hands her the card. "Oh, turn this in at the clinic for free antibiotics." She says this so dry it hurts. His expert reply to this is, "Pretty and low self esteem!" Jackie says "There are many sides to this square."

My laughter fills the room!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

God, I love that kid

Apparently this "god" thing with my dad isn't going away. His old lady is a big drinker. She likes to drink all the time. And that is the only thing that is keeping him from being a preacher. Gag. That would make me a preacher's daughter... I think an angel just died of fright.

My dad and his wife are keeping my brother's kids this weekend, three boys. Obviously, grampa is taking them to church. So the boys were having a discussion about church with there mom. The oldest was asking good questions, he is eight. He asked if you had to go to church to believe and god and what not. Then the middle child, Brodie five, pipes up with, "I believe in GOD and CANDY!"

I believe in the candy god.

Friday, September 15, 2006

For No One

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fil your head
You won't forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Thank Goodness it's Friday

That saying is deplorable. Could you get any lamer? It is just as bad as "A Case of the Mondays".

Moving on, last night me and Kyle are watching our shows, Family Guy, Futurama, etc. Then this TGI Fridays commercial comes on and I thought of this really funny story.

If you are not familiar with Fridays it is a chain restaurant that is mediocre at best. Every week me and my mom go out for dinner. One time we thought we haven't been to Fridays in like 7 years lets try it you never know. Right? We sit down we are eating are mediocre food, everything is going good. Until, the old man from this old couple sitting next to us starts to retch at the table. Obviously we are grossed out at the fact that this man can barely keep his food down long enough to get up from the table. ( I am laughing so hard right now, just thinking about it.) Eventually, after many bulging eye stares at my mom, and giggling, he leaves the table to go retch outside or puke or whatever. It was horrible, needles to say we never went back.

"I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink"

"I wonder should I get up and make myself a drink? No, No, No."

I slept like shit last night. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning; I peed(I got up out of bed and did it). Then I lay in bed and thought about totally stupid random bullshit. Like, my winter clothes. What the hell? I just couldn't stop it. Then I had this Beatles song in my head For No One and it was just playing over and over again and it was keeping me up. I am too weird.

While I am on this Beatles kick does anyone know what Day Tripper is about? I was watching some show about drugs and the narrarator said that Day Tripper was obviously about drugs, but I always thought it was about a one night stand, or some whore or something. Anybody?

Also why would you get a magic feeling if there is nowhere to go? Your out of college, your money is spent, you see no future, pay no rent. That wouldn't really leave me with a "magic" feeling. But then again I don't even know what "Any jobber got the sack Monday morning, turning back Yellow lorry slow, nowhere to go" means Maybe if I could translate that, "Oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go" might click.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Marc with a C

I love fashion week and I love Marc Jacobs. So in honor of that very innapropriate love here are a few things from Marc by Marc Jacobs. Again I would kill for these. They make my heart skip a beat. I will never be able to afford them. I have shed one single tear.

Even their guy clothes are super cute. Full blown weeping.


This is Atil Kotuglu. There was a few things in the collection that were okay. Oh, but I might kill someone for this. I would probably have to just to afford it. But then where would I wear it? Around the house to clean? Maybe to Whataburger? I would dazzle those Whataburger attendants.

Monday, September 11, 2006


Here is a picture of a before.

I'm easy like Sunday morning

Sunday, Corley came over to do a dry run on her hair for her sister's wedding. I curled the shit out of it. I owned her hair! There was so much hair spray! It rocked! I think I should open a salon maybe call it Hand Crafted Hair by Lauren or maybe just Lauren like that douche bag on tv Jonathan. We didn't take before pictures but here are the middle and after pictures. I will try to find a before.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

You call this a job?

I have been in my new job for a week now. I have done nothing but knit and play ds, the whole week. It is awesome. Next week is more of the same. Two week of "training" basically means listening to someone else take calls. BORING. Not to mention the fact that I maybe hear about 4 calls an hour. Some of those calls are like 5 minutes long.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Leave me alone I'm busy

I have been crafting my ass off. No, really all this crafting I haven't had time to eat. My pants don't fit. I need a belt. I'm not kidding.

I am participating in a swap on I am having a lot of fun with it. It is a red and aqua swap. Tons of fun. I love crafting. I can't wait to post the pictures. In time my son in time.

Good night tater head!

(That is what Kyle tells me when I go to bed. I think it is funny so we often say it when it is not bedtime. )

See you when the crafting is over.