Friday, December 23, 2011

The New Year's Problem

The past two New Year's Eves have been pretty hard on me.

12-31-09 I was in New Zealand.  You think, What in the hell could be bad about that, loser? Well, that is what this blog post is about. Hold your horses, asshole.  12-31-09 was the first New Year's Eve I had been away from Kyle since 12-31-99. It was a doozie.  I laid in a hotel room in Auckland and cried quietly in bed. Eventually, I fell asleep.

Back story.

01-01-00 I was in Austin.  I was 16 and it was the first day Kyle ever told me he loved me.  We had been dating for 3 months to the date.  We proceeded to spend every New Year's Eve together for the next decade.  Sometimes we would go to parties. Sometimes we would stay home and have sex into the new year.  My superstition says if I'm doing a thing when the new year comes, I will be doing that thing a lot throughout the year. Obviously, there was no argument from Kyle.

12-31-10 I was in Austin.  I was also sad and alone.  I left a party full of friends to go home to bed and go to sleep.  I sure did a lot of that this year.  Maybe my superstition was right.

This year I need friends.  I need fireworks.  I need alcohol.  I need fun into the early morning.  I need to not be sad.  I can't be sad anymore next year.  I'm putting my fucking foot down!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

"By the way, you aren't a regular person, alright.  You're not one of these stupid sad humps.  Stop trying to fool yourself, okay? You're better than these fucking dumb shits." - Nathan Explosion, Metalocalypse

A little pick me up from my favorite band.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The funniest thing I can think of...sitcom plot for sure

Preface: Wednesday, I go to Kyle's we have dinner. I burned him a copy of one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I think this episode is hilarious. I laughed so hard because of one joke.  I still think it's funny. It is hard to explain through this medium, because the second you write it, it kills the joke.  But, you need to know.  The Sunny episode features a black girl named Sha    Dynasty.  They say Sha     Dynasty a lot.  Then you see the name in neon and it looks like Shadynasty.  Someone says "Shady Nasty? Is that spelled correctly"?  Funny.  Real funny.  Also, I was giving Kyle a hard time because his hair was greasy and it was combed down in a very poindexter-y way.

Thursday, at 5, I get a text from Kyle that says "You're shadynasty".  My response, "No, but my hair is greasy."  (Which it was cause I had been sweating all day from working out.)

I showered and washed my hair. Then, later that evening I had a date, during which time I became drunk.  I left my phone and my wallet in the pocket of my jacket in his living room.  In the morning, when I was leaving, my jacket was hung on a rack. I thought, weird.  Whatever.

Can you imagine if his roommate went through my phone and saw that amazing text.  Oh, fuck. I can't stop laughing.  It's poetic.  I can just see that play out.  Your friend meets a girl in the alley and brings her over, no one has any idea what she is like.  She leaves her phone out, so being a good friend and roommate and quite drunk, you take a quick peak.  What do you see "You're Shadynasty."  !!!! From a guy. Then the response which, is pretty confusing.  "My hair is greasy."  Oh, jesus.  Stomach cramps from laughing.  Then of course you tell your friend later the next day.  Then Lauren never talks to him again, obviously. 

If only I could know that this happened. I swear it would make the horror of dating so worth it.  What an epic tale of miscommunication.  And and epic tale of how weird Kyle and I are. And the 3,479 reason why I will be alone forever.

Shadynasty Forever.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Good one

Me: You may be surprised to know that I spent the night with a boy last night.
Male friend: Oh.  Reeeeeally?
Me: [Waiting to let that settle in.]
Me: I met him in an alley.
Male friend: [Turns away. Puts head in hand.  Collects himself. Turns to me.]
Male friend: How much did you pay for him?
Me:  [Laughing]


Heterosexuality is so easy.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Typical night out:

Lauren meets a new person.
Lauren asks this person how old they are.
Person says 27.
It's like 27 is an epidemic.
I have had some really bad runs with 27 year olds.
The world keeps putting them in my path.
I'm starting to think that maybe the author of my life is just fucking with me.
Life is weird.