Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Circus Peanut casserole for real

From left Doug, Jeff, and Jacob had a birthday party last weekend. Me and Kyle thought it would be funny if we actually made Jacob a circus peanut casserole. He is the kind of guy who would appreciate that type of thing. You sort of have to know him to understand, but he did appreciate it. He even tried some. No joke. Me and Kyle were outside it was dark Jacob came out there, opened someone's phone so we could see. There was one circus peanut that was real juicy and hairy, and he ate it.

Ingredients: circus peanuts (of course), snails from a can, Italian dressing, dog hair removed with the shed ender (which works really good), one dog toe nail, the crust is a thin dough pizza crust, I think that is it maybe a few more random things, oh yeah olives, then we baked it in the oven for like 20 minutes. It smelled HORRIBLE. But we all had a really good laugh.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Hell hath no fury like Texas weather

If there is a hell I am sure I will be going there. I find solace in the fact that at least I will be well prepared. Texas has torturous weather and Austin in particular has horrible drought. I can't remember the last time it rained. Now who ever controls the weather is just toying with us. It is dark and stormy (which I am grateful for, relief from the sweltering heat is a welcome change), however is just won't rain. It is a sick, twisted joke and I don't appreciate it.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I am waiting for that familiar resolve

This whole job situation has really pushed me over the apathetic edge. Eating is just way too much work. So I figure I have a few options.

Options #1: Raise some money to have myself put in an old folks home were someone will cram food down my throat, slap me around a little bit, and change my panties. In no particular order. Plus medication.

Options #2: Pretend I am dying and have a hospice worker do the same thing at my home. Or maybe I can hire an illegal to do it. That way the hospice worker can help someone who is really dying and I could help a Mexican woman feed her family. The twist to this plan is that I could get whoever to feed me constantly and I could be one of those people who weighs like 800 pounds. 800 pounds might be a little lofty. I better shoot for something around the 500 range. Getting that fat is going to take a lot of work probably more than I am willing to do.

Option #3: Keep working at the Pawn shop just in a different department....

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I have been displaced

Well, I got fired yesterday. Not only me our whole department got fired. No more product hotline. For some reason I am incredibly depressed. I hate my job. Quite frankly I am glad I won't have to do it anymore. I am so damn lazy just the idea of looking for a new job wears me out. This has happened to me in every single office job I have ever had. My first job at Sears teleserv I got promoted then they did away with my job, luckily I had quit the week before. Next I worked for the lottery. Guess what they were down sizing and slowly letting people go. I quit. I worked at Atomic for 3 years and never got downsized. I work at sears again for an easy job, they cut the hours on my department and change my schedule with a weeks notice. I quit. Now this job. What the fuck? I hate working in offices, this is one of the reasons. Bosses wipe their ass with you job security. Oh, but their "goal" is to keep everybody on. "We will send someone from HR around to you and tell you what jobs are available tomorrow." Yeah right I should have known that was a load of shit. Fuck this place.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Hard times

Yesterday, I hit hard times. I had a hard luck streak gambling. Down on my luck you know? I had to pawn my walker.

No I am serious somebody really pawned this. I looked it up and gave them a price. Isn't it fancy? I bet you could haul ass. I want to go to that store when it drops and pick it up. You could put your knee on that little pad thing (the chair) and push off with your foot. Awesome. Also handy in lines, role that baby up and have a seat. You wouldn't even have to get up when the line moves. Just scootch it up.


For the record, I went to Michaels to get paper for that card. Low and behold there was no line she didn't fight me about what was on sale. She didn't have to cause they use computers and those fancy new fangled bar codes. Who the fuck does Hobby Lobby think they are with there weirdo, right wing, christian, fundamentalist values.. Who isn't opened on Sunday. Oh, yeah and I found that same ribbon, I didn't need it any more cause I got different paper, but it was a dollar cheaper to start out with. Those pretentious fucks. Michaels is also opened until 9:00 better for my schedule. So take the Hobby Lobby you are missing out on hundreds even thousands of dollars that I spend there needlessly through out the year.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Circus Peanut Casserole

We haven't gone to the store in maybe 3 weeks maybe more. I don't know. I do know that we have nothing to eat. So we are making concoctions with all the things in our pantry. I tell Kyle you know that we aren't going to go to the store right and we are just going to clean out the pantry. His response was priceless. "By Friday we well be having Circus Peanut casserole." My response: (Laughing) "That is circus peanuts and ranch dressing." Kyle: "The rest of that Parmesan cheese baked in the oven." Me:(more laughing) "ewwwww!" This has been our joke for the past week. We made it past Friday with out having to eat a circus peanut casserole. Since then we have decided that it would be circus peanuts, soy sauce, five different kinds of dressing and that cheese has since been ate up.

The story behind the circus peanuts is we bought some, so I could try them. I hadn't had them in a long time and I thought they were gross. Kyle hadn't had them in a long time and he thought they were good. He finally opened them after about a month or two took one half a bite and said, "My god, these are terrible you have to taste it." UGH! No. I will not taste something you just said were terrible and I know good and well were beforehand. So they went into the container were we had these really old marshmallows we give the dogs.

I would rather hollow my eye sockets out with a bone folder than give you my money!

So I had a little outburst in Hobby Lobby today. I know, I know who gets mad in Hobby Lobby. Well I do, that is who, so back off! Just Kidding.

Here is the story. First off you should know I found some really cute paper. I really liked it and I was going to make a birthday card for my work friend. I was going to put some buttons and ribbon on the card to. In the scrapbooking crap they have these boxes of ribbon. The ribbon I wanted was on an end cap. The sign on the end cap said .99-3.99. I know how Hobby Lobby works, Ok? This ain't my first craft store. Everything on the end cap is 3.99 or less. The boxes of ribbon have about 5 different ribbons a yard a piece. They are usually 6.99 so I thought score, I will get these. I had my eye on them for a while but couldn't bring myself to spend that much.

Okay, happy as a clam. La, La, La going to the counter. What do you know? There is a long ass line. I don't think I have ever been to Hobby Lobby when they didn't have a long ass line. You could put a monkey with a jar of peanut butter at the register and it would go faster. There would be decidedly more peanut butter on your things, but faster never the less.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. They only have two registers open and on one they are doing a return or something. Hobby Lobby is like the place were computers forgot. They live in the dark ages. They actually write things down. They use those things...what are they called, oh yeah pens to do returns and fill out this form. DARK AGES! Anyways the point is while the girl working the register was filling out the return there was another employee behind her just standing there looking like an idiot. I am still relatively calm at this point though, I think this is taking and extraordinarily long time, but calm. The girl doing the return leaves to finish the return where ever they have to go, probably back in the cave in the back to use sticks and rocks to stamp the receipt number on their stone tablet. The idiot who has been behind her the whole time takes over the register. Instead of being an asshole and pushy I wait in my line looking at her. She sees me there. I have been waiting. Some old lady comes up and gets in her line. And the bitch starts checking her out. How fucking hard would it have been to say, "Ma'am, I am sorry this customer has been waiting, I am going to check her out really quickly, ok?" Done. Nobody would have been pissed off cause she wouldn't have had to wait in line for 20 fucking minutes, just 2 seconds while I get checked out. I couldn't believe it. I said, "You have got to be kidding me." At that point I was pissed. I continued to wait while the border line retard checked the person in front of me out. I held it in. I wanted to throw everything I was holding on the ground and walk out. But I didn't I held it in.

Finally, I am at the counter. I am tired from standing all that time, and thirsty. My throat feels like I just made a journey through the Sahara. My head is sweating and I might faint. I make a dramatic collapse on the table with my hand draped over my forehead.

Okay, well that isn't exactly how it happened.

I get up there and the lady looks at the ribbon. Of course. She says, "I think this is 4.99." I have had it at this point. "It can't be 4.99 cause the sign says .99-3.99" She looks at me like I just spoke to her in a different language. "Well, it looks like just the single ribbon is on sale." I don't say anything about the fact that the fucking ribbon is 6.99 originally if it wasn't on sale it wouldn't be 4.99 you stupid cunt. Though I really wanted to. I held it in. Instead I said, "Do you want to go look at it?" No, she said that she would call someone. She calls someone and asks if the box of ribbon called such and such was on sale. The answer? Take a wild guess, no only the single ribbon is on sale not the boxes. "Then why does the sign say from .99-3.99?" (Furthermore, who the fuck would pay 3.99 for a single yard of 1/4" ribbon ON SALE. Here, I will bend over and lube up so you can put it in my ass a little easier.) I swear to god her answer was cause things are on sale from .99-3.99. I know that, apparently she didn't! I lost it. She asked me if I still wanted them. "No, No I don't. In fact, I don't want any of this! Fuck this place!" I walked out, and sped away in my car, raging mad!

It could have been worse I guess. What I really wanted to do was pelt her in the face with that box of ribbon at point blank range. Then burst out in a fit of laughter.

Just for the record I am one day away from my period so this really isn't out of the ordinary. Sad, I know. When the rage subsided a little bit I got really tired. Being mad really takes it out of you.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Houston Museum of natural Science

Kyle and I went to Houston yesterday on our day off. We made a special day trip to the HMNS for the Body Worlds 3 exhibit. It was a blast! First of all I love natural history museums. That is one of the highlights of my vacation to Europe last year. We went to the natural history museum in Milan. It was wonderful.

Anyways back to Houston. Tons of fun. I love rocks. They are amazing.

Then there was the exhibit. Wow, take your breath away. Slices of different people's brains. Slices of lungs. They have everything. Every organ, every joint, every tube in your body is on display, both single pieces in a glass case and assembled on a body. They have the normal organs then they have the disfigured, cancer riddled, clogged, scarred, arthritic any type of disfunction you can think of next to it. They also had a cross section of lungs healthy and smokers. Literally there was deposits of tar and soot. Smoking turns you lungs black, BLACK. It doesn't really deter me because well who will see them. Sort of like your period panties no one is going to see them why bother?

P.S. Just in case you were wondering....our muscles look just like brisket. It looked like pork slow cooked all day right before you pull it with a fork. I swear to god.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

God bless those Japanese! So many games, so little time!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Happiness is a blue dress

I bought a new dress..... on retro kitty kat.....I hope so anyway. It doesn't say sold yet on it. It was on sale and I couldn't stop myself. It sort of worries me cause what if it was sold all ready I haven't heard anything yet. God it is gorgeous!

Monday, August 14, 2006

If you don't have anything nice to say

I haven't been posting as frequently for a number of reasons.

1: I didn't have anything nice to say. So I was trying not to say the un-nice things. I have been in an angry funk lately. I think I have calmed down a little since yesterday. I think maybe the tension broke when I watched Fried Green Tomatoes yesterday. I have seen the movie a million times. For some reason I kept crying. The weird thing about it is that I was crying at the wrong spots. I wasn't crying when people died, I was crying at totally random happy spots. What can I say? I'm weird.

2: I have been playing my DS at work, so I have neglected every other mildly entertaining thing. We just got our pirating system from Japan in the mail. Officially you can watch movies and listen to mp3s on the DS. Unofficially I can play every game ever made for the DS. Super Princess Peach is a blast. I sure do love her and her little parasol.

3: I have been in crafting overdrive. I have been sewing like a mad woman. I need thirty projects going at once to be satisfied. Quite frankly, I need to get busy. I am making a vow to learn how to knit so I can learn to knit metal. (I saw that on Knitty Gritty. ) Plus I found a magazine with a thousand, really cute sweaters and really mod fashions in it, along with some really cute little 60's house wife numbers. I figure my sewing skills are fine and that was a lot easier than I thought it would be. Why can't I knit? We will see.

See the purse I made from and Amy Butler fabric and pattern on my flickr. -->

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I break the what!

I am breaking the no complaining rule, but it is a shame to waste my talent. I am really, really good at it.

I hate driving. Who doesn't? It is certainly unfortunate for me because I drive 45 minutes one way to work. At least once a day someone pisses me off. Today it was a middles aged man in some big, stupid, unnecessary truck. That is enough to piss me off all by itself, but never the less. He starts riding my ass when I am driving 10 miles over the speed limit, and he can pass me on the right. In Texas you can pass on the left or the right, there was no need for me to get over cause he wanted to 85 in a 65 you want to go that fast you can go around. Plus there was an eighteen wheeler in the next lane just in front of me with this giant piece of plastic blowing behind him and I didn't want to get behind him. So instead of just passing me and being done with it, he decided to flash his lights at my a number of times and then pass me. Then he decides to put on his breaks to really piss me off. I just had it. I started flipping him off while I was behind him, but that just wasn't cutting it. I drove up beside him and we were having a fuck you off, while I yelled at him to go fuck himself. Not that he heard me or anything that was purely for my enjoyment.

In cases such as this it makes me wish I had an unloaded gun in my car. I would have given anything to see that assholes face if I would have pulled a gun out. He would have thought twice about doing that again. Hahaha! I wish he would of followed me, just so I could have taken some of this aggression out on him. I am sooooo angry. The sad part is that I'm not even at my angriest. I am not on my period. That is when the anger comes out full force, when I think I might rip someone's throat out with my bare hands for no reason at all really.

Not only do I have a talent for complaining, I have a talent for rage. I think I would need a horse tranquilizer to live in this country and be happy.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Chronicles of a t.v. junkie

First me and Kyle watch last Sunday's episode of Reno 911. We have a dvr so we watch are tv shows whenever we want to, so take that shitty programming. Anyways, we laughed are asses off. Paul Reubens is just so funny, and weird. The weirder he is the more I laugh.

Then Kyle does some diddling on the computer so I decide to watch a movie. Once again the dvr comes in handy. Videodrome was on Midnight Snack weeks ago. I finally had plenty of time to watch, and watch I did. Sort of. You almost need one of those contraptions from A Clockwork Orange to watch this movie. At one point James Woods, the main character is having these hallucinations in which this vagina like hole opens up in his stomach and he starts, like fucking it with his gun, then he just starts fist fucking it. To top it off his hand gets stuck, he struggles for a little while, when he finally gets his hand out his gun is gone and the hole is shut. Don't worry he recovers it later, with quite a messy display. The movie was full of violence, sex, and television.....when you start fucking your tv you know you really went off your rocker, and it happens. Well I should say when you start performing s&m on your tv you know things are bad.

Just as that finished up I caught the tale end of The Daily Show. The moment of zen was priceless I don't know who it was but a grown man coming off a podium doesn't realize the step is there and trip and does a face plant. I had to rewind and call Kyle to come and watch it. We laughed a lot. We get a kick out of those types of things.

Then of course I caught the late showing of Pee Wee's Playhouse on Adult Swim. Started the night with Paul Reubens and finished the night with him. Is it just me or does everyone feel compelled to say, "Meka a leka, hi meka hiney ho! Meka a leka hi meka chiney ho!" with Jambi? Probably just me.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Lucky Soles

I did buy this at Lucky Soles.

I'm an Austinite, I can wear boots with anything

I saw some shoes at Lucky Soles over the weekend. A pair of Fornarina cowboy boots I really wanted. Unfortunately they were 297 big ones. That wasn't going to happen. So today I get a wild hair up my ass and ask my step-mom (I work with her so I sent her an inter-office email) if she would buy me these boots I couldn't afford. She came and talked to me about them. She is a shoe lover maybe I will get them. The jury is still out. I found them on ebay new in the box, my size mind you, for $199.99.