Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Down at the Pawn Shop....

...An elementary school music teacher came in looking for violins. I showed her one, the price was over 100 dollars. She said that she couldn't take that to the elementary school because they "go wild". So I asked her if she was a music teacher as I showed her a clarinet. She said yes, that she taught at such-and-such school. I thought- Oh, THE EAST Side. They HAVE a music teacher (imagine the inflection going way up in my mind-voice, especially on the "oh" and the "have".) Then she proceeded to tell me that she wanted to build up her collection of instruments because when she talks about instruments in class most of her kids have never actually seen most of them. Turns out there is no response for something so atrocious. All I could do was keep my work face on and nod a little. Then I quickly changed the subject to alternative teaching programs. It helped. I felt a lot better at the end of the conversation.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Oh did I mention...

I got a job in a pawn shop.

It's a different world.

The things you see. These people live so far from my world I wouldn't know where to begin to connect with them. So I smile. What else can I do?

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I get to sleep in my own bed tonight. Bliss.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I might turn you into stone

Just as documentation of my sickness I took a picture of my demon eyes so everyone can be in awe of them. Now the lighting is low and you may be thinking, "Eh, those aren't that bad."
But I also took a picture with the lighting in the bathroom so you can see what I catch a glimpse of every time I pass the mirror. I have no more whites. I only have the reds of my eyes now.
Maybe a demon has actually taken possession of me.

The pain in my chest and throat are taking a slow retreat now. Still the redness of my eyes is unrelenting. I was supposed to leave the house tomorrow. I have to leave the house tomorrow to get things done before I have to start work. It should be loads of fun.


Do not watch Dear Zachary. I know a lot of you have it on your Netflix watch instantly. Holy shit. That is the saddest thing I have ever watched. IN. MY. LIFE. I was crying so hard I wasn't even watching anymore and it wouldn't have mattered because I was crying over the audio. IN. MY. LIFE. I mean it was the most touching. I have never been so impressed and inspired by two people that I have never met. Don't watch it unless you have enough kleenex to sink a ship. It makes you wonder. I may never forget it. It was a terrible heartbreaking story and still the love and human tenderness breaks through everything else. How do people keep going? It was amazingly powerful.


Mucinex got ever last drop of mucus... out of my eyes. And if that was my problem it would have worked wonders. I would even have recommended it to people.

If you could take a pill that gave you pink eye this is exactly what it would feel like. I woke up this morning completely unable to open my eyes. I rubbed the inside of my right eye because it had stayed moist the longest and was able to move a little goo. I barely saw light through my eyelashes as I stumbled to the bathroom and got in the shower. I haven't blown my nose but three times since yesterday. Logically, I think maybe I don't have any mucus so this stuff is just working where it can. WRONG. I blew my nose in sheer amazement as I looked at the giant wad of green.

I coughed up shit this morning that was the color of old appliances the ones from the seventies, they call it avocado.

I wish you all could see how god awful red my eyes are. I look like a demon.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Sick and tired

Last Saturday at the free She and Him concert it was freezing. Well, 40 degrees with disgustingly strong and cold winds. We stood in the cold for a good three hours. It was pretty horrific.

The next day I had a fever.

The day after that it felt like it was gone. I didn't take my temperature at any time, because, well, because I don't care. Finding a thermometer is a lot harder than observing that I go to sleep freezing and can't get warm for hours and wake up sweating.

The day after that, snot was running down the back of my throat at a break neck pace. This caused my throat great pain and suffering.

(I still haven't slept for more that three hours yet without waking up.)

The day after that I was spitting up things the size and color of a rusty Volkswagen.

Today I took some mucinex. Currently, I am laying in bed and my nose is making weird creaking noises as if the flood gates are opening. It scares me.

I hadn't been looking at the back of my throat. That kind of thing takes effort and a flashlight. However, I was parked just right this morning. The sun was rising in front of me. I pulled down the visor to look in the mirror and it didn't block my mouth. Holy shit. It is like horror movie back there. I can barely see past my tonsils on a good day. This not being one of them. What I could see looked like it had been worked over with a meat tenderizer. One part of my tonsil has some blood on it. What is that about? No way that is good. Mystery of mysteries how is it not getting washed away with the water I was drinking? My cough is mostly dry, which hurts. The only thing worse than not coughing anything up is coughing something up and gagging.

The weird thing is I only have green snot in the mornings. The rest of the day it is clear or milky. What does that mean? I need a fortune teller to read my snot.

Please, please let something work so I don't feel like shit anymore. I just want good sleep.

Monday, March 22, 2010


Also to Mr. Horowitz,

If I saw you in the street I would spit right in that bulbous cross eye of yours. I'm not antisemitic, but I am anti rich men who think they rule the fucking world. What makes you so entitled you piece of shit? Because you have millions to make shady back room deals and to bribe government officials? Think again. I suspect you are a lonely individual, on top of the fact that you are a sorry excuse for a human being.

Okay. I think I got it all out. It has been a while since I have felt this much rage for anybody, little less a person I haven't even met. I thought my rage induced outbursts had subsided. I guess they were just hibernating.

Dear Mr. Horowitz

Choke on a cock you fucking douche bag.

Thank you.

That is all.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

One date down

My date last night was fun. We laughed. We had a good time. I got a hole-in-one...at mini golf not the date. We will probably see each other again. She brought up bower birds. I almost fainted. Then she thought I was bullshitting her when I told her I knew what they are. I would like to see somebody actually stump me with a bird. I would be even more impressed.

Oh get this shit.

A little background: Last weekend the crew went to a party. There, a very short, long haired man asked Corley if I would be willing to make out with him. Seeing as Corley is my making out agent she is the appropriate one to ask.

One the date: I was telling this girl about how good I am at attracting awkward men. I told her the story. She was appalled, appropriately. Then I moved on and told her about this other guy. In the middle of that story she blurted out the other guys name. I told her to shut up. She actually knew who this guy was. Austin is so small.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Here is the skinny.

I got on a dating site. Really? I know. But my god. You should see this thing work it's magic. I have pussy up to my eyeballs. "Oh, really?" you ask. Yes. In a big way. Want to hear my plans for the week? Good, cause I'm telling you anyway.

Wednesday: Minigolf at 3:30. Drinks and dinner afterwards.

Thursday: Bowling and new lesbian bar afterwards.

Friday: Drinks and dinner at 6.

Saturday: Free concert with my number one gal at 8pm. Though this isn't due to the dating site. I have known Corley for a long time. Probably not getting laid either. Either way, I will probably have the most fun on this date.

My dance card is plum full up. I actually had to write their names down on a piece of paper and when and where I would be meeting them. Could I fit anyone else in if I wanted to? Probably. You free?

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I woke up this morning dizzy. It was the sort of serious spins from being really hung over. However, I didn't drink last night. That really sucks. I haven't woken up dizzy in a long time.

The good news is I go drug test for my job tomorrow. I would have today, but I can't drive when I'm dizzy. That would be really dangerous. Pretty much all I can do is lay down and sleep. Even getting up to pee can be pretty dangerous because I will puke (or fall) if I stay dizzy for too long. I didn't eat or drink anything all day until 4pm. It sucks to be alone. Nobody takes care of you.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Bit of a dilemma

I'm bored.

I'm tired of living with my mom.

I'm tired of the run around this job I applied for is giving me.

I want to get out of the house but have no ideas.

I wish a really cute girl would just appear at my doorstep. That would be so nice.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

I think I have decided that I need to cry and get it over with. I haven't cried in, let's say, a month, or more. Apparently, my body needs to cry more than that. It is like my tear ducts fill up and for no reason at all I'm crying. For instance, today I watched the Independent Spirit Awards. I cried pretty much the whole time. "Why?", you ask. Very good question. I think it started when Robert Ebert sponsored an award. The winner of the award got 25 grand. He was sitting in the audience. The camera panned to him as he tried to produce something that looked similar to a smile. The audience stood, he stood. My god. I cried. And cried. I cried for bodies everywhere, all of them will eventually enter the losing battle with time. It isn't pretty. Then I cried a little for my grey hair. Cause I too am fading away ever so slightly, getting smooth and rounded by time, day in and day out, like a rock in the tides. Most of my sharp edges are gone. Then people would get up and say a litany of thanks to everyone who has ever been in their life. Some of them were so genuine and special. I couldn't help but think how great it would be to get a award from a whole group of people who told you what you were so intensely passionate about, and worked so hard to create is a beautiful thing. I think they should have award shows for mundane things too: televised teachers awards, and best grocery store clerk, best supporting janitor, best female lead in a blue collar job, best male nurse. I bet the acceptance speeches would be twice as powerful.

Friday, March 05, 2010

The Lauren System

Don't have a dryer but your clothes are wrinkled? Need to be at a job interview in one hour? Can't iron your synthetic sweater? Tired of all those pesky wrinkles? Well, you're in luck. Try the new Lauren system! All you need is a hair dryer. Yes, you heard right! A hair dryer. Pop that sweater on. Hold it taught. And blow dry your sweater. Your clothes will still be wrinkled, but almost imperceptibly so! They will look like they got wrinkled while you were wearing them!

Thursday, March 04, 2010

I'm lonely, but not when I'm alone. Being alone feels so good. I haven't really had much alone time after having lived in a little tiny hallway for 5 months. However when I am around people I feel really lonely. I don't get it.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

The cell phone

I have a cheap cell phone from AT&T. I pay $70 a month for a "cheap" plan. What a joke. I bought a phone that was cheap. I don't want a phone that can browse the internet, or take pictures, or one that I can listen to music on, or scratch my ass or fix my sink when it's broken. I just want the damn thing to ring and frankly it doesn't do that very well. Sometimes it just doesn't ring, sometimes is doesn't alert me to text messages. What do I do? Make my own cell phone? The worst of it is that my old cell phone that was four years old never had a single problem. I finally gave it up when the battery started to die on me. Now this cell phone isn't even gonna last a year. Sucks.

One of these days I'm gonna give up the cell phone. I hate them anyway. What am I gaining from it besides a bill? Probably cancer.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Dear Everyone,

Please don't interrupt me when I am obviously doing something. Right now I might murder your face off.