Friday, December 25, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
My ovaries are black holes that suck all hope and joy out of every situation.
I want sensory deprivation for the next two weeks. I'm going to have PMS on vacation. Joy.
Sometimes life makes me feel like I am trying to jump into double dutch- a small sense of anxiety, head nodding and missed opportunity. When I do finally jump I feel like I just get tangled in the ropes.
By sometimes I mean two weeks out of every month. And for those two weeks my whole outlook on life is changed. Like I'm a completely different person, only worse because I can see how I'm acting and I can't do anything about it. Trapped like a rat.
Maybe I have PMDD. In the symptom column check "yes" to all. Especially decreased interest, it says in "usual" activities, but make a mental note "all" activities. Even New Zealand really isn't enough to get me excited. What a sad, sad day when vacation to someplace I have been wanting to go for years now doesn't even put a blip on my excitement radar.
I should really start documenting my moods. I don't feel like it.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
In light of Corley's post about guilt I thought I would tell you something I remember. It has nothing to do with guilt, but similar in the fact that really insignificant things needle their way inside sometimes.
I have no idea why I remembered this particular incident this morning, but every time I do it stings a little. Last Christmas at Kyle's family, one of his uncles (who was going through a hard divorce and was pretty doped on either alcohol or anti-depressants or both) brought up the fact that I graduated from college. I said yes and smiled. He said, "Nobody thought you could do it." Still smiling, I kind of nodded. He didn't mean to say it and in a moment of weakness the absolute truth came out. Luckily, only Kyle and his mom were around and she quickly changed the subject. I was kind of stunned but tried to act normal. I never quit smiling. I never even brought it up again with Kyle.
Another time even longer ago (maybe two or three years) one of Kyle's cousins came over. He is quite the drinker. He was in town and too drunk to drive 30 miles home so he came over to our house to sober up. He called Kyle and asked if it was okay, but Kyle wasn't home. So Kyle calls me and he comes over (he was already in the driveway). I don't know why he said it. I can't quite remember anymore. But I think he was talking about how much he liked me and Kyle. Which is nice. He said, "I think y'all are great together. I don't care what anyone says." He definitely didn't mean to say it. I'm not quite sure he knew where he was, but all the same the truth comes leaking out. That one didn't sting so much as make me wonder. Who says? I didn't tell Kyle about that either. Who am I kidding I didn't wonder. I knew exactly who would say things like that, the same people who would think that I couldn't possibly graduate from college.
I really shouldn't let it bother me. I should have gotten over the fact that besides Kyle's parents the rest of his family wasn't fond of me a long time ago. You know, like 10 years ago. To be fair, most of his aunts and uncles lives are so fucked up I look like a bastion of normalcy. Doesn't make it any less shocking and hurtful when people I see maybe three times a year have such poor opinions of me. They no more knew me than the man in the moon.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Last week I felt like shit. This week it feels like shit outside. You know I hate the cold? Loathe even. Despise. It is painful. I hate that going outside is some big fucking ordeal. You can't just pop out of the house in a t-shirt and jeans, as I am wont to do. (Or the ol' prison uniform, as friends have deemed it, which consists of a wife beater and a hideous pair of shorts that are The Dude-esque beige plaid.) There have been years of my life were I haven't wore any shorts, but these past few years I have found a love for long shorts and I'm missing them now. Not that I would be wearing shorts in Austin in the winter either.
Why have I not been watching this?!? So many people told me about it. I didn't pay attention. Not true, I simply didn't realize how imperative it was that I watch NOW. Now I am in love with Don Draper. The man can wear a suit. Then there was the scene in the bathroom with the woman manager of the comedian in Season 2. I think I blacked out a little after that. I broke out in a sweat. The show does make me hate/want to be a rich white man though. I mean really, the sorry fuckers. The whole world on a platinum platter and all they can do is bitch and moan. They have a family, they have money, they have all the pussy they can get their hands on and still unhappy. Suck it up. I shouldn't be so hard on them. I couldn't have lived then. Every little thing is a dick measuring contest. The petty bullshit and the jealousy, I would have been committed a long time ago. Everything was about appearances, kind of like Korea.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I finally realized why I have been having dreams about rape. I have been watching Law and Order:SVU. DUH!!! I fell asleep to it this afternoon. I had a dream that Kyle had two girlfriends. One of them was old enough to be his mother. That was totally normal. In the dream one of his friends broke into his house to steal something and found her there and raped her. I went to his house with some girl, apparently a friend and lots of people were there and I started cooking in the kitchen. It was the weirdest thing. I kept asking who would do that. They kept telling me Johnny. Then I would say Johnny who. Then someone would say, "You know. Johnny." Like that solved everything. I was thinking we don't know a white Johnny that doesn't make any sense.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
I would like to change the popular nomenclature for homosexual. It is clear to me that the word "gay" isn't going anywhere for things that are lame or stupid or just generally bad. In fact I like using it. It is just a short little spatter of a word that amuses me. It just feels good to say. So. The word "gay" meaning homosexual is out of my lexicon.
While I'm at it I want to eradicate the words vagina, pussy, cunt, and all female anatomy words that mean someone is afraid, hurt easily, mean, a bitch, generally bad connotations. Vaginas aren't any of those things. The word "cunt" is pretty satisfying to say when someone is an asshole, so maybe that one can stick around. I mean really, what is bad about a vagina? Why do we use it to describe bad things? So I have started using "dick" for anything. When I'm having a shit day I simply say, "Dicks". Not that dicks are so terrible, I just feel like they deserve it more. They are historically less oppressed, currently less oppressed.
Monday, December 07, 2009
My head is full of snot so it kind of aches. My neck has a crick in it so... it kind of hurts too. My throat hurts, so I wanted to gargle with salt water. The problem is that it is hard to bend my neck back. It feels like strep throat is imminent. If it goes that far I'll have to see a doctor so I don't loose my legs or some crazy shit. My lymph node hurts. I'm right about ready to give up on living. I'm pretty sure there is enough snot in my ears to sink a ship, if not at least enough to deafen a large animal. Now I'm hungry. Should I be starving myself for something? Isn't that a saying?
I guess I have some stories. When I don't feel like dying I'll tell you all about it.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
I can't stand it when I'm pretty sure I have been asleep all night, but it doesn't feel like it.
I have had two nights of this in a row. I have weird dream like things that are exactly like real life.
I have dreams where I am looking at myself in the mirror. Usually, one thing will be different that normal. Like once I was looking at my hair because it was a different cut that what I had then. A few nights ago I dreamt I was looking at my nose. It was really crooked. I was holding my head back and looking how crazy crooked my nose was.
I think it is because I can't breath out of my nose.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
I still can't believe it's December already. In short order it will be 2010. Where the hell did this year go?
Our subway stop is bumpin'. I told you about the woman dancing and getting body checked. For the second time we have seen a Mexican Mariachi band. How does a Mariachi band find it's way to the Korean Subway tour? They were drawing a pretty big crowd. I'm surprised that the Koreans like it.