I'm back

I feel so much better. I think I just needed a week of sleep.

Last night I had an angry dream. Usually, if I dream about yelling at people it means I'm stressed out. I imagine it means the same thing this time too.

I watched Public Enemies and a couple of episodes of Pushing Daisies. Both of which I could have cried about, but I didn't. Good sign. A little bit closer to normal.

I know in real life I seam like a tough kid, but I have my moments of being a mushy girl. I secretly like how it surprises guys (on more than one occasion).

Survey says: Lauren should see a shrink.

Survey also says: Lauren won't because she is too lazy and this will pass and she will forget about it.

I'm hungry and need some caffeine.

I'm thinking about doing namblopomo cause Corley told me the theme was "tomorrow" and maybe it will be therapeutic.

Hey kids,

Did mommy ever tell you about the time she was really depressed and hated life and didn't have a job? Well, I was in my mid twenties thinking about how much life sucked and not doing much to change my situation. . .

So the beginning of that little ditty doesn't sound very good. Do you think that is why I have never heard any stories from adults about how much it sucks to be in your twenties and thinking that you should be an adult by now, but you just can't manage to get your shit together?

I can't seem to get un-depressed. I mean I have made significant leaps in the amount I'm crying. The sleeping and feeling like shit is taking a little longer to shake.

Saturday I was in San Antonio with a boy. The plan was: he wakes up goes to work from 9-1. I was going to sleep a little bit later and then wake up and go back home, and he was going to meet me in Austin after work. Well, he came home after work to me still sleeping. Good thing he didn't just go straight to Austin as was planned. Nice work, Lauren.

I think I will be okay soon. I can kind of feel it taking a corner. Hopefully something breaks and the pressure will release. I can't make myself do anything right now.

for those of you who know me. . .

You may want to download skype. You may not. I don't know. But it might be a good idea.

I thought of something to write about today

I didn't get right on it and now it is long gone. I can't get my shit together right now. I feel a little like I'm falling apart at the seams. I guess that is what happens when you wear out your sanity. I'm not quite as young and bouncy as I once was. It seems that when I fall I kinda flatten out a little now.

Oh, well. I'll think of it later.

So here is the thing

I can't bring myself to go back to my job. I can't go to school if I continue to work there because the schedules conflict. I can't only work there because I won't last a week. I would have to kill myself. After much crying last night (with boys I would rather not cry in front of), I have decided I have to quit. I just can't do it. Last week I went home because I couldn't stop crying and I thought I was just having pms. Well, I was. But that wasn't the only problem. So what do I do now? I have applied for a few things. I have a friend looking into a waitress job at a strip club for me. I don't know about that. But frankly, at this point, sucking dick for spare change in the park sounds preferable to going back to taking calls all day. The funny thing is is that it would probably take more brain power to suck dick than I use at my job right now. Seriously. It is that mindless. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I guess I'll find something. I keep waiting for the clouds to part. They aren't. I don't know what the deal is.

My other option is running away. Being a house cat in another country.

I also realized today that I am disgusted with myself. I haven't done anything creative in months. I can't follow through with anything. I've hardly taken a picture in months. I gotta keep moving. Everything about me is atrophying.

I can't keep complaining. So, see ya soon.

This sounds terrible, I know

But when I grow up I want to be someone's trophy wife.  Yeah.  I said it.  I want to spend my days getting my hair done, working out, doing my nails, reading, and buying clothes and shoes.  On someone else's dime of course.  I'm good conversation for the most part.  I could even do a little research about whatever it is that the people like that you are parading me in front of.  So if you know anyone who is lacking in a trophy wife- I'm interested.  I would like someone who is attractive, rich, and in shape.  Smart isn't that important, but it's a big plus.  I clean up real nice.  

The thing about having a job is you have to go

Yuck.  I hate called centers.  The good thing is that I have plenty of money.  Getting paid every week is pretty good.  I'm not sure it makes up for it.  If you haven't worked in a call center let me let you in on a secret: it is like high school.  Everybody is up in everyone else's business. Supervisors knit pick you to death.  You have to say specific words on calls or you get points deducted from your quality score.  Blah, blah, blah.   I can't even leave my desk to take a piss if I have to.  Long story short- gross.