Me: I can't hate the police and date a cop. That isn't right.
Male friend: Yes you can, Lauren.  Fuck the po-lice!
Me: Well, I'm trying.

It's the moment when someone reaches in and squeezes your heart when you realize how lonely you were.

Last nights adventures

I went out.  To the gay club, of course.  I had so much fun.  Like crazy amounts of fun.  I went with a friend from high school.  She looks very gay.  She has a husband.  It is fucking awesome.  This is how it works.  Lesbians are drawn to her, because she looks gay.  Then I'm there, and I say no she is straight, but I'm game.  That's pretty much happily ever after.

The best part of going to a gay bar with my straight friends is that they are so in to it.  It cracks me up.  This girl is hot. (Like hottest lez in there besides me hot. Like dimples for days hot. Like so pretty she can pull off a shaved head hot.)  She wants me. I want her. We are dancing.  Then me and my friend talk and we are laughing and dancing. Then without me prompting she looks for girlfriend and tells me the status.  She is talking about you to her friends, she is looking over here every 3 seconds, etc.  It's great.  It's like I barely have to participate, but I do. Oh, lord, did I ever.  We danced all night, until 2 in the morning in fact.  Also, the more I go to gay bars with my straight friends I realize how lucky I am to have such good friends. Every gay girl that I tell my friends are straight and just coming for me they tell me what great friends they are.  I love getting complements on my friends.  It makes me proud they like me.

My favorite part of the night-

Girlfriend: God, you smell good.
Lauren: Say that again.
Girlfriend: You smell so good.
Lauren: I heard you the first time.

I could have listened to her yell that to me all night long.

We both parked across town, it seemed, so the four of us, holding hands, walked back to the car.  I had not been on sixth street for years. Not even walking through it.  That shit is crazy.  Every second step is a fight waiting to happen.  We are dodging drunk people left and right.  People are falling down, people are being pushed.  It is fucked. Never going anywhere near that shit again.

I got her number.  We are going out again on Halloween.  So excited.  Keep you posted.

Comments

I received this comment on my latest blog post: 

"woah! i mean, well, woah. awesome job of validating treating people like shit or "shittily' by blaming them for your actions. hmmmm, i know, if i do bad things or treat someone poorly and no one stops me, well, hey thats on them. i've got to use this method in my own life sometime, ya know when i want to lose all my friends or something. i wonder...well, nevermind. to hell with accountibility and recognizing our role in shitty situations! you rule."

I hardly think that saying "I am not a bad person" or "To my credit" is validating anything.  If you notice I never said the way I acted was good or even acceptable.  I realize that "dick" can have some good connotation, but it usually doesn't when a person uses it the way I used it. I know that "shitty" never means anything but bad.  

Validating a very complicated and difficult time in my life would be extremely difficult in two paragraphs. I was simply making an observation in a light hearted way with as much honesty and as little judgement about my own actions as I am capable of. (Except for that Type A stuff. He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, and as far as he was concerned I was little more than a hole in the ground.  I was just a little warmer.)  I'm biased.  So are you.  Let's be honest.  Being as honest as I can is the only way I can change and grow from less than stellar behavior.  

If I seemed in any way to express that the way I behaved was good or that I want to behave that way again, that was not my intention. My intention was to say I behaved poorly in a bad situation.  That does not mean that I am a bad person, and it doesn't mean it was for nothing.  There is value in every poor decision, next time I'll be better prepared.  There is absolutely no value in sitting around feeling bad about what I did.  

I also think that, yes, it is undeniably an individual's responsibility to set his or her own boundaries. If you let other people set your boundaries I am positive you won't like where they set them.  

It is a little surprising to me that an adult would be so naive as to be shocked by this behavior.  Every single day I see good people in a situation to take advantage of somebody who has no boundaries and they do.  The world isn't a pretty place. People aren't always capable of stepping outside the situation and analysing every angle before they act.  Sometimes this leads to ugly behavior.  It isn't good or bad. It's just the way things are.  

I left myself open to your shitty comment and that was my fault. See, I am capable of taking responsibility for my actions.  

I can be a dick

I was just struck by how shitty I was to MP in our relationship.  I laugh.  I guess it isn't funny. I'm laughing because he thinks I'm controlling and "Type A" and whatever else.  I think of my other relationships and laugh. "Type A", god, still laughing.  How can a depressive be Type A?  Ambition is the first word in the definition.  I haven't worked in a year and I live with my mom.  Clearly, ambitious. Aggressive? Impatient? I'll give him those. Business-like, controlling, highly-competitive, pre-occupied with his or her status, it just describes everything that I am so far from. I mean if this is Type A I would be Z, B is not far enough from it.  When you think business professional you think- Lauren. It's your first thought, I know it is. Time-conscious? Yes, it has nothing to do with deadlines and everything to do with respect.  It must have been hard for him to be in a relationship with a stranger.  Shit, I've known strangers better.


To his credit, I was a dick.  But to my own, he let me.  Had I ever treated Kyle like that he would've left my ass so fast my head would have spun.  He did once.  I yelled at him.  He pretty much left me on the spot. Well, after I got home from work he kicked me out.  He took me back the next day, but boy, that draws a line in the sand.  Needless to say it never happened again, the yelling, not the breaking up. Not that I'm a bad person, or that people who treat other people shitty are bad people, but sometimes when you respond shittily and the other person doesn't stop you, you drive it on home. Then the next time you push it a little further. This goes on until you have no more respect for the person and your shittiness stems from that.

The trick is you have to nip it in the bud the first go round. MP started getting a little bit of a backbone, but it was too late. Plus, I could tell his heart wasn't in it.  I'm like I dog.  I can smell fear.

"All we care about is getting the outside clean. Each day we walk forth with clean clothes, clean hair, clean teeth, but with a mind stuffed with worthless anxieties, dull resentments, stale outlooks, toxic prejudices, and an endless array of shabby self-images. We haven't even bothered to sweep out the mental junk we picked up yesterday, not to speak of the debris we have been hauling around for a lifetime."

Hugh Prather
The Little Book of Letting Go


At night I take a painfully hot bath to soak away the ache of exercise and while I do, I read books on buddhism.  What good is getting the outside into amazing shape if the inside is decayed.

Here is my prayer or mantra or whatever the fuck you want to call something I repeat in order to remember that I am not perfect or when I stray from the path of freedom and emptiness. When all I need is a little finesse to get back on the path I repeat, "Awakened heart, awakened mind".  Breath in on the first phrase, out on the last.

Exercise is the perfect form of meditation.  Especially if you pick something that you like that also  takes focus.  It empties your mind of everything. You don't even realize it.  Sweeping out the junk is so amazing.  It has left me with plenty of room for laughter.

For the record, I always like to keep my outside as shitty and cluttered as my inside feels, it's like an osmosis thing.

Great Weekend

When you work your ass off throughout the week and you don't exercise on the weekends it feels like a vacation.

I hung out with a lot of my friends.  I had a great Saturday with Kyle. He said I was really skinny and that my arms looked stronger. Then I flexed and he said "Holy shit." It makes me laugh.  These short little muscles bulk up quickly.

I slept so much, which I needed to help recover from this week.

No alcohol this weekend which also helps with recovery.

I ate an entire 10" gluten free pizza by myself in one sitting.  That had more to do with poor choices than good ones, but it was awesome.

I finished a couple of books.

Checked out some audiobooks from the library for my road trip to New Orleans next Monday.  Betty White and Margaret Atwood.  Interesting combo.  Really excited to do some laughing and picture taking, my two favorite things.  I'm also excited about 9 hours of quiet.  I don't have to hear anybody talking if I don't want to. So excited to get away.

Guilty pleasure: golf.  I know I don't look like a person who likes golf, but I do.  I almost joined the golf team in high school.  I have been told by golfers that I have a natural swing.  I love all the gayest sports.  Golfing, sculling, all that is left is softball.  Sorry softball, can't get down with you.  I'm naturally athletic but for some reason I try to fight it.  Not fighting it anymore and it feels really good.  Not really sure why I was fighting it all these years. I'm just so dumb, for real.  I think it's the other people, jocks, not my people.  Maybe they are now.  I doubt it, but what the hell I'll give it a try.  

words to live by

"When you find yourself thinking, 'I need this, I want it, I can't live without it,' ask yourself if this is your insecurity demanding to be fed. And if you do feed it, see if it does you any good. Does it provide any relief, happiness, or breakthroughs in your mind? If not, why complicate your life?"

Dzigar Kongtrul
It's Up to You: The Practice of Self Reflection on the Buddhist Path




P.S. That names looks like a cat walked across the keyboard.

This week in exercise:

Monday: 2 mile run. 20 min of strength training (arms)
Tuesday: 1 1/2 hours of rowing.  20 min of strength training (legs), 30 min bike ride (about 5 miles).
Wednesday: 1 hour of rowing. 20 min of strength training (arms), 1 mile run.
Thursday: 20 min strength training (legs) 30 min. bike ride.
Friday: 1 hour bootcamp, 1 hour rowing.


Accomplishing Goals:

I can already do 25 pushups.  It isn't easy, but possible.  Which before, doing 3 pushups (standard position, not knees on the floor) wasn't possible.  Feel pretty fucking good about that one.  It hasn't been two months yet.  My arms look amazing.  I can't wait until they look better.  My favorite thing are my triceps.  They are so bangin'.  I love that they have definition.

Yesterday, when my muscles were really warm from working out, I was stretching and my nose comes within four fingers of my knees. When I stand up and lean over to touch my toes I can put my palms flat on the ground.

I started running, because it is really hard for me.  I hate it so much.  It is so boring and painful.  But doing the thing that is hard for you is to train better.  I don't want to do it, but I want to be in better physical condition.

In another 2 months I want to be able to do 20 pull ups.  Right now, I can do 1 rep of 3 and 2 reps of 2 for a total of 7.  It's a long way from 20, but I think I'm up for the challenge. I think it will be pretty impressive to see.  It is also incredibly hard.

different

All these years people have been telling me I need to be single.  For what I'm not sure.  Having been really single the past few months and being single, in that I had no emotional support, for almost a year before that, I really don't get it.  What is so great about it.  The fact that I have tons of time that would otherwise be sucked dry by just existing with another person is the only benefit I see.  It is nice to be able to at least call someone up who is dedicated to listening to you. It's nice to have a person you can count on.  I mean it's way better to be single than in a relationship that sucks a donkey dick, for sure.  But being in a relationship that you like, with someone you like, doesn't squelch your independence at all, or your personal development.  I think what squelches personal development while you are in a relationship is not being able to say, "Hey, I want to do something that you don't want to." Granted there is a slew of reasons this can and probably will happen at some point in a relationship, but all it takes is one argument to break that spell, usually.

Even so, of all the bullshit in life to smash you and your development a good relationship is hardly the thing to be worried about.

Waking up everyday and not doing anything different, drowning in a stagnant cesspool of routine is WAY worse.  Constantly worrying about what you don't have, worse.  Never enjoying yourself, worse.  Trust me. I was there.  Never taking time to take care of yourself is worse.

Treating yourself like shit, feeling like shit and expecting another person to treat you better than shit is confining, I can see that, but simply because it's ridiculous, not because it is the standard for a relationship. Or maybe it is, and I was day dreaming instead of listening to the shitty rules of life.  If that is the case, I choose not to participate in those shitty rules.

Being on the other side and knowing how it feels. Oh. What a waste.  What a huge fucking waste.  To feel that bad and not be working every second to overcome was a waste.  But I'm thankful for that waste of life, because I don't ever want to do that again.  Now I am working every second to feel better.  Working every second to clear my mind of the endless garbage that life litters in there.  Working every second to make my body the perfectly tuned machine that it can be.  Working to not be complacent.  Working to thrill myself with new adventures.  I don't see how a person interested in the same things could hinder that.  A relationship doesn't have to be a stone that you drag around, it can be quite uplifting.

One more thing

Then I swear I will stop talking about her, because I have to stop thinking about her.  I have to.

It isn't the fact that she is staggeringly attractive, because she is.  Her smile.  Her laugh. Oh god.  It hurts.  But she really had me when we were at the bar and she made fun of fat people with this really disdainful look on her face.  Like fat was the grossest thing in the entire world.

United in hate.  The things relationships are made of.

Fantasyland

I keep running into this woman that I find so breathtaking.  I first ran into her at Ego's.  I gave her my number, you remember.  She never called.  I ran into her again shortly after, but couldn't bring myself to talk to her.  She makes me tremble when I see her.  Last night I saw her again.  I always realize she is in the bar that I'm in when I am having a really good time and smiling. I look up and there she is, radiant.  Yeah, it's like that.  The having fun and seeing her is probably the reason why I like her so much.  Whatever the reason I am smitten.  After the first two encounters I had written her off.  Not that I didn't think about her every once in a while I was just content that it wasn't going to happen. Then last night happened.  My friend brought her over to me.  I talked to her, well yelled, as it where.  Nobody talks in a gay dance club.  She touched me.  It felt so good to have her arms around me. I want it more.  I made her laugh and I actually thought, "I want to make her laugh everyday." She was uncomfortable because she has a long distance girlfriend.  I have an undying love for her and tell her so.  As the night went on I could tell I was breaking her down (and probably the alcohol). She was doing the thing where she wouldn't look me directly in the eye especially if we were really close. The thing is I want her, badly. I don't want to break her and her girlfriend up because I want a real chance at a relationship with her. I don't want to be that person. I have outgrown that person. I am better than that person. Whats worse and more horrifying is that I want to tell her this.  I want to tell her that I want to come home to her smile.  Ugh.  I can't stand myself.  It's so gross.  I can't stop thinking about her and I only know her first name.  I have no way of contacting her. I can only hope that we run into each other again.  I swear I can still smell her today, but there is no actual reason why I should be smelling her.  When the high from all the touching wore off it was as if somebody forgot to build a bridge from fantasyland to reality and I fell into the abyss.

I'm consoling myself with lesbian cinema. I'm lost in Desert Hearts currently.  I would like to eat fat food but it makes me sick.  I would like to drink heavily but it makes me sick.  I would like to smoke cigarettes but it makes me sick and it makes it hard to exercise.  I have no more coping mechanisms..