Fantasyland

I keep running into this woman that I find so breathtaking.  I first ran into her at Ego's.  I gave her my number, you remember.  She never called.  I ran into her again shortly after, but couldn't bring myself to talk to her.  She makes me tremble when I see her.  Last night I saw her again.  I always realize she is in the bar that I'm in when I am having a really good time and smiling. I look up and there she is, radiant.  Yeah, it's like that.  The having fun and seeing her is probably the reason why I like her so much.  Whatever the reason I am smitten.  After the first two encounters I had written her off.  Not that I didn't think about her every once in a while I was just content that it wasn't going to happen. Then last night happened.  My friend brought her over to me.  I talked to her, well yelled, as it where.  Nobody talks in a gay dance club.  She touched me.  It felt so good to have her arms around me. I want it more.  I made her laugh and I actually thought, "I want to make her laugh everyday." She was uncomfortable because she has a long distance girlfriend.  I have an undying love for her and tell her so.  As the night went on I could tell I was breaking her down (and probably the alcohol). She was doing the thing where she wouldn't look me directly in the eye especially if we were really close. The thing is I want her, badly. I don't want to break her and her girlfriend up because I want a real chance at a relationship with her. I don't want to be that person. I have outgrown that person. I am better than that person. Whats worse and more horrifying is that I want to tell her this.  I want to tell her that I want to come home to her smile.  Ugh.  I can't stand myself.  It's so gross.  I can't stop thinking about her and I only know her first name.  I have no way of contacting her. I can only hope that we run into each other again.  I swear I can still smell her today, but there is no actual reason why I should be smelling her.  When the high from all the touching wore off it was as if somebody forgot to build a bridge from fantasyland to reality and I fell into the abyss.

I'm consoling myself with lesbian cinema. I'm lost in Desert Hearts currently.  I would like to eat fat food but it makes me sick.  I would like to drink heavily but it makes me sick.  I would like to smoke cigarettes but it makes me sick and it makes it hard to exercise.  I have no more coping mechanisms..