Oh, yeah did I mention this?

The fortune teller told me I felt like I was moving backwards in my life.  Shit, if that wasn't on the money I don't know what is.  

Let's make a list shall we:

• living with my mom
• no job
• going to school
• talking on the phone until all hours of the night
• doing stupid shit that I shouldn't 

It feels just like high school. It feels like I'm 16.  I have been out of high school for a significant amount of time.  I haven't been sixteen in 10 years.  Maybe relationships stunt your growth. I've gotten stuck in reverse somehow.  Oh, well.  

Crap on a Taco

I feel a little like I'm fighting a losing battle here.  Trying to keep things together is difficult.  School blows.  But I only have two more weeks, including this one.  

My Forturne (in a nut shell):

I have a long life in front of me.  My lucky days haven't passed.  I have been heartbroken twice and I don't have the kind of relationship with either of those people that I would like to have.  I was near death once.  School is what I'm supposed to be doing.  I don't talk about my feelings.  I keep family secrets.  I'm seeing now what I did wrong in the past and starting to understand my past.  So on and so forth. 

"Are you brave enough?  Let's get out of town."

I feel like I'm in a boat with a hole in it and all I can do is scoop water out with my hands. In other words- I'm sinking rapidly.  Please, excuse me for being debbie downer for a minute.  I'm over it now.  On the bright side: school is almost over and I won't be living with my mom for very much longer.  I'm not sure I can take it much longer.  My mind is on the blink.  

I'm thinking of running away.  All I need is a suitcase and a bottle and I might actually do it.  

Only Ladies and Gentlemen Please

Life is so weird.  

I can't get any work done.  

I'm living at my mom's house, staying in my old room and staying up to all hours talking on the phone.  No, really TALKING ON THE PHONE.  My life is going in the opposite direction than I thought it would be.  Oh, well.  I'm having fun.  

In the words of The Hollies, "The road is long, with many a winding turn, that leads us who knows where- who knows where". 

Life is weird

I had wicked, wicked cramps in my calves this morning. That can't be good.  Does that mean I have a vitamin deficiency?  

Staying up all night isn't as easy as it used to be.  Being self destructive is still pretty easy though. Thank god that hasn't changed.  

It seems I'm up to my eyeballs in penis these days.  I'm not sure that is really what I'm looking for.  People come out of the woodwork when I'm single.  Maybe I just pay attention more and see that people are hitting on me all the time, I just don't notice.  Men are crazy.  Women are crazy. Everybody is crazy.  I'm just trying to bob and weave through the crazy shit storm going on in my life right now.  I have to say it's pretty fun.  

My Weekend

I spent a fabulous three days with great company.  I'm incredibly grateful for my friends. I had a wonderful time.  Yesterday, I went to bed at 8pm.  I woke up today at 8am.  Yeah.  Turns out when you can't sleep if you just go long enough without sleeping eventually it will catch up with you.  

However,  when I was riding my bike this morning all I could think was, "Why in god's name did you smoke all those cigarettes?"  BUT I did ride my bike. That's the important thing.  I should really stop smoking.  And doing other bad things to my lungs.  

Oh, well.  

Life is so fucking beautiful sometimes

I had a floating plastic bag moment today.  

I got out of class early and went and laid on a grassy hill near the Blanton museum.  I had my laptop so I was listening to Neko Case and watching the stormy clouds roll by.  The next thing I know this little toe headed, curly haired 5 year old-ish little girl in a bright pink sun dress comes rolling down the hill.  I watched her for a while running, rolling and falling down the hill.  She even rolled into me once.  I was laughing and smiling at her and then decided to roll down the hill too.  It was fun.  I was dizzy and I laughed a lot.  Best day at school ever.  

"I'm a maneater

but your surprised when I eat you."  

Love, love, love Middle Cyclone. Neko Case album. I'm glad I was lit up like a Christmas tree the first time I heard it.  Thanks Corley.  

"I love your long shadows and your gun powder eyes."  

I sold almost all of my books yesterday

I'm about 300 pounds lighter and 200 dollars richer.  

I had to sit in Half Priced Books for about 2 hours while they prepared the estimate.  I walked by a shelf and Rilke caught my eye.  I opened it up and found this. 

[I live my life in widening rings]

I live my life in widening rings

which spread over earth and sky.

I may not ever complete the last one,

but that is what I will try.

I circle around God's primordial tower,

and I circle ten thousand years long;

And I still don't know if I'm a falcon,

a storm, or an unfinished song. 

Then I sat next to a man talking on the phone.  I heard him tell a story about seeing a man hit a kid with his car.  They watched as he got out and picked the kid up,  take the kid to the curb lay him down, and then get back in his car and leave.  They got his driver's license and he was caught.  My god.  There is some fucked up shit in the world.  He didn't say what happened to the kid.  The person on the other end of the phone (a woman, I could hear her voice sometimes) has an ELEVEN year old daughter who is sexually active.  fuck.  

I can't tell what's real anymore.  

Men

Sometimes there is nothing like a man.  A real man.  

I'm contemplating selling the mannequin

I don't know how much I should get for it.  This one is $390 and mine is WAY cooler.  

I realize that I'm weird

But I really want this.

They get you coming and going

I got asked for money today, walking to and from class.  The first was a black man who rode up to me on a bicycle.  

Him: Are you from here?

Me: Yeah

Him: Finally, somebody who isn't scared of me. I'm from Baltimore, and I need money to get my work clothes so me and my son can eat. I'm telling the truth...blah,blah, blah.

Me: Sorry, man, I don't have any cash on me... Have a good day.

Him: I doubt it.

Me: Good luck.

Him: [he has turned away at this point] I don't believe you. [real mean like]

Me: [I shrug and think, "That makes two of us"]

He didn't even take his sunglasses off. How could I believe a person telling me his sob story without seeing his eyes?  

The second looked like he was in his twenties, he was fairly clean, and looked like he had eaten that day and he asked me for some change.  He asked while he stood behind me.  I didn't know he was talking to me at first and I had to ask him what he said.  It was weird.  

  

I'm shedding

I weighed at my mom's house yesterday.  Last month I weighed 126 pounds.  This month?  119.  SEVEN POUNDS in an easy FOUR weeks!  I'm not even on a depression/eat nothing diet!  I haven't even cut out fast food!  I know!  I'm as surprised as you are.  

I had my fortune told to me today

My mom and I went and had our palms read.  I thought it was bullshit.  I still think it is bullshit.  A little.  I was in there and I had my hand on the table and the table vibrated the whole time.  I thought she was doing something.  I went first so  I thought for sure that when I asked my mom if the woman shook the table for her she would say yeah.  She didn't.  I'm not supposed to tell what she told me for 14 days.  I can't remember why.  Doesn't matter.  What matters is that she had my number.  Big time.  She told me some shit that kinda hurt too.  Mostly cause I thought, "Geez I fucking wear that on my sleeve don't I?"   Come 14 days I'll post about what she said.  I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.  

Dogs

Today after class I came home and dozed on the couch.  I was curled up on my side and Grubb, the little shit, gets on the couch, almost rests his head on my leg, and spews.  He projectile vomited about 6", somehow it mostly missed me and it was mostly hot water.  It was like a hot load came out of his mouth.  It was so gross, but funny too.  

I've never been one for making good decisions, but damn.

It feels like I'm dreaming or underwater.  I feel like I'm going to fuck up and I'll get to watch it in slow motion.  

Uh, did I mention how fucking skinny I'm going to be?

Let me tell you, REAL fucking skinny. I decided I can't control what goes into my mouth. So I started exercising. What a great idea that was. I also stopped drinking sweet tea. I miss it, but I think I'll live. Maybe this is a step to no tea. I have a bad caffine addiction so I can't just quit cold turkey. I also cut the bacon from my morning breakfast taco. Yeah, I'm going to be SO skinny.

This is my goal weight: 
Just kidding.  A little.  But look how cute I was before all the body mod.  5-6-99 I was 15 and about to be out for the summer.  I probably weighed 100 pounds.  I don't think that is going to happen. 

Oh, this wind!

God bless, it is windy! You could have made a whole other tree from the what blew in my eyes while I was riding my bike.

I got shit on by a squirrel yesterday. It hurt. It was like being pegged with a piece of gravel.