One of my favorite things in the whole entire world is laying in some man's bed while he makes me breakfast, especially if he brings it to me in bed.

It. Is. Great.

Second best is reading in his bed, while he is working.

A pair and a spare

If you haven't heard of this dating technique, it is the idea that you have two people that you are dating and then you keep a spare in case one of the two fall off.  A pair and a spare.

The single most fun advice I have ever gotten.

Things about tonight:

We need bullets!

• I went to The Continental Club to see a soul band.  
• The band was so very good.  
• Luckily, my friend, who suggested I go, got a spot right up front. It was packed. 
• First the lead singer came over to me and sang to me, then put his hand on top of my head. 
• I did my patent giggle and smile. Throw my head back and laugh. 
• He was an amazing dancer, but he also did a sassy duck that reminded me of Nick. 
• The next time he came over to me, he cleared a space so I could dance.  No one in the audience was dancing but me.  It was good, because there was an old guy who was really cramping my style.  
• The next time he spilled a beer he thought was mine, then drank from it.  Wasn't mine. 
• Then some random guy from the audience came up to me and said "I think he has a crush on you." 
• I believe I will go see them again.  As it turns out, the next time they play in Austin will be at Frank.  I think I will go. 

All these years I thought I was submissive.

Then, one day I wake up to a relationship with a dominant, and we both realize that are roles are reversed?

Am I really the one with all the power?

Yes.

Or maybe I can't tell the difference anymore.

Sex is always a power struggle.

Somedays, I give all my power away.

But, most days, I won't give anyone what they want.

Fascism though erotic deprivation.

Sometimes, saying "no" is more intense than you can ever imagine.

Especially, if you say "yes" later.

Sometimes, just asking for something you know you can have opens doors to worlds you didn't know existed.

Being vulnerable is real strength.

Satisfaction

I really get a lot of validation from people confiding in me.  I went over to the Mind Reader's house tonight.  We kept our clothes on.  We talked.  He tells me stories of other loves, lovers, crazy drug-atled times in his life.  I smile and listen, completely filled with his stories.  I feed on good stories.  It is what I really need.  Either living them, or someone telling me theirs.  He is telling me about liking younger girls, which is no surprise because he is older than me, and I ask, "Aren't I too old for you?" and we laugh about how I'm barely on the cusp.  So I say, we are laughing about this, but this is a deep seeded fear that I have.  If I am not young and hot, what am I?  He tells me that I have so much wisdom, and I'm strong.  That I am going to be one of the lucky few in life who actually get what they want because they aren't afraid, and it is because I won't settle for less.

Every time I leave him he tells me thank you.  He thanks me for me spending time with him.  I had no idea how humbling it would be for someone to tell me thank you for being me.  I can't explain that.

I love being in the company of someone who enjoys who I am and just wants to bask in me.  I can glow when I want to.

I drove home in the pouring rain. I came home to an empty house full of the noise of the rain on the roof.  I took off my wet clothes and climbed in my big empty bed to relive my evening.  I need to make sure that I remember this.  I want to remember these feelings.  I may need to save these moments and relive them when I need a reminder that I don't want to settle.

Seriously

50 Shades of Grey is the single worst book I have ever read.  I really was interested. How in the world a book about a dominant/submissive would be so popular?  I find that people feel really uncomfortable when discussing pain mixed with sex.  Why wouldn't the fetish community be much, much larger if this book about a pretty heavy fetish is a huge best seller?  Easy answer, it isn't about a dom/sub relationship at all.  It is about a whiny bitch who is complaining about a rich, beautiful stranger who she "loves", because he wants to spank her a little. There is relatively little in the way of kinky sex in the book at all. (Kinky is very subjective. I say relatively because I don't think any of it is kinky.  It was all pretty vanilla.) She doesn't love him enough to keep an open mind.  It is the single most judgmental, condescending book I have ever read.  I get it, if you aren't in to something, you aren't in to it.  Name calling is out of line, though.  Calling someone "fucked up" is way, way out of line.  I'm fucked up.  I get to say it.  No one else gets to say it.  Those are the rules.

I have lived more interesting sex.  I don't need to read a book about mild, vanilla sex with a virgin. I have what some people call "good sex".

It makes me really sad for all those women reading this book that are so excited about it.  Put the book down and go get the real thing. I promise it is out there.  Sometimes all you have to do it ask.  Novel idea.

50 Reasons I hate 50 Shades of Grey

1. Anastasia.  I hate the name. I mean the character is terrible, absolutely so, but the name grates on my last nerve.
2. Christian.  I hate the name.  His character may be worse.  But "Christian" is she sneaking in some weird religious theme in there?  What is she trying to say?
3. If I have to read one more phrase about how Anastasia looked at Christian "through her eyelashes" I may scream.  I'm sorry, but if you can't look the person you are about to fuck in the eyes while you are having a conversation you better call it off.
4. "Beguiled", WAY over used.
5.  "Scruffy", why would that word be used to describe a woman, more than once, at that?
6.  Why does the protagonist of this book have to be a meek little bitch who knows nothing about life? Why can't she be a graceful, self assured woman?  Confident women are much more attractive to everyone.  Confident woman can also be submissive.
7. A virginal, 21 year old child, who has never had her hand held by a man, is led into a room full of whips and chains and restraints and red leather and is not the least bit surprised, or scared of this stranger? Come on.
8. I suspended disbelief for the fact that Christian is a helicopter pilot at 27, along with a billionaire CEO, but Anastasia not being surprised by the fact that he wants to abuse her or vice versa.  Come on.
9. "I don't make love. I fuck...hard." Really? Only a 27 year old would say that.  Am I supposed to be turned on?
10.  A 27 year old? There isn't enough money in the world to buy wisdom or experience.  Am I supposed to be turned on?
11. He likes Kings of Leon.  Gross.  Is there a world where that is sexy?
12. She uses his toothbrush and thinks "it would be like having him in my mouth".  What part of that isn't gross? What part of using his toothbrush would be like having him in her mouth? Is he hard and plastic and bristly? I don't get it.
13. "Michelangelo's David has nothing on him." There are no words.  I just vomit a little every time I think about it.  That is so bad it deserves two numbers on the list, but I think I can come up with 50 without using this reason twice.
14. After seeing his "playroom" she calls him a "monster".  Thank you E L James for perpetuating the fact that something is wrong with people who like this.  That's nice.  You have made money on this particular fetish. I'm so glad you took time to research and understand and present someone with a certain proclivity as a monster.  That's nice.
15. She signs an agreement to not talk about what they do without reading it.  He scolds her for not reading it.  Great.  At least that is brought up.  Why would you sign something in a strangers house without reading it?  What a dumb bitch.
16.  Why would a man who can have anything he wants want a dumb bitch?
17. For that matter, why would a man who can have anything he wants, gets anything he wants, want some naive little bitch who is willing to do anything he wants from the start?  Wouldn't he want a challenge?
18. Of course he wouldn't want a challenge because his character is a spoiled little rich kid, and a coward who doesn't have the fortitude for a challenge.
19. Only a coward goes in for the easy kill.
20. A real man wants a woman who can stand up for herself.  A real man wants a woman, not a child.  A good dom can make anybody submissive, not just petulant children who are looking for direction.
21. The term "holy crap".  After it was used once, I cringed.  Twice, three times,  that is disgusting.  This bitch needs a thesaurus. BAD.
22. "Any sane person wouldn't want to be involved in this sort of thing, surely." I am so offended.
23. The second time she calls him a monster is just uncalled for.
24.  "...the effects of which travel all the way down there." Her vagina? Was this written for a 12 year old?
25. Adults are reading this, right? Not children? I do not think it is sexy when a woman can't say or doesn't have a term for her vagina.  That woman should not be having sex. She is not mature enough.
26.  Seriously, Anastasia makes Lolita look like an old prostitute and she hadn't hit puberty yet.
27. "He's so freaking hot." Never okay.  Say "fucking" or don't. But don't ever use "freaking".  For the love of god, never use "freaking".  Definitely not twice.  I'm only on page 112.
28. Ok. I'm confused.  The terms "behind" and "backside" when describing a butt should only be used by grandmas, not by 21 year olds.  Furthermore, those two terms are about the least sexy thing I can think of.
29.   Not once, but twice for both "behind" and "backside". Seriously, this bitch NEEDS a thesaurus.
30. "he slams into me.... as he rips through my virginity." In what world is that good? That sounds terrible.  I laughed out loud.  Not sexy. Not even a little.
31. "He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." Just as things start to get good, this bitch ruins it with something so utterly stupid that I laugh.
32.  "...oh my" as an expression of surprised sexual pleasure and desire, coupled with "there" referencing her vagina are what old ladies say. Not to mention the whole "behind" thing.  I start imagining an old lady.  Which is probably a lot weirder than ol' James intended.
33. She sucks his dick.  This is after he says, "I want to fuck your mouth."  But when he goes to give her head "part of me wants to push him off because I'm mortified and embarrassed. He is going to kiss me there!" Are you fucking kidding me?  How in the hell am I supposed to be turned on by this uptight little bitch?  I can do nothing but laugh at her.
34.  "I know in that moment I would do anything for this man."  Ugh.  Can a bitch have free will and do things because they bring her pleasure, not because some rich little brat wants her to do what he is into.
35. Christian tells her, "'I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.' His quiet chilling tone is a warning, and with one long cold look at he heads back to the bedroom." Sounding like a possessive, abusive boyfriend isn't sexy. In a book of this nature where Lauren is the main character, I would have slapped him on the ass and said "I don't believe anybody asked you, cowboy."
36. She describes him as "strange" and "disturbing". So offended.  Is she only fucking him because he is some kind of freak show.  I am so offended.
37. For the record, "sexual abuse" isn't the cause of a proclivity towards a dominant/submissive relationship.  Worse, if that were the result she calls him a "monster" and "disturbing". Those words are for people who don't ask for consent, who take out there troubled minds on people who are unsuspecting. Those words don't represent a consenting adult relationship.
38. She writes like she is getting paid by the word.
39. Christian Grey sleeps in a t-shirt.  What man sleeps in a t-shirt? I'm appalled by that.
40. "Laters, baby." Why would a grown ass man say "laters"?  Highly disgusted.  The best fuck in the world couldn't peel the "eat shit and die" look off my face after a grown man said "laters" to me.
41. Christian Grey drinks white wine when he is waiting.  Men only drink white wine when they are having dinner with a woman.  Otherwise, they drink bourbon or scotch.  If they get fancy they ask for ice.  No wonder everyone thinks he is gay.  He is.
42. I roll my eyes at least once on every page.
43. "I'll have emotionally invested three months..." Well, god almighty, might as well write off your whole life after those whole three months.  That is just too long to vathum. Three. Whole. Months. How could anyone recover after that.  It is right to be cautious. You don't want your life to go down the tubes.
44. "I didn't know I could dream sex."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Is she retarded?
45. A billionaire wants to buy a broke ass 21 year old computers, cars, clothes, personal training, food, who cares what else and do some mildly kinky, as of page 330, sex acts and this bitch has to think about it.  For days.  Are you kidding me?! I do weird shit for free.  I would give my left arm for a break like that.
46.  I was really hoping he would hate fuck her. Really hurt her.  I'm losing hope.  But I'll keep reading.
47. The author never describes Anastasia's body.  I want to know what her rack is like.  I want to know what her waist to hip ratio is.  Is she chubby, rail thin? She doesn't exercise. But she also doesn't eat.  It bothers me.
48. He smells her panties and she calls it "barbarous".  Maybe she doesn't know what that means.  Sticking his fist up your ass was on the list of things that he wanted to do.  Smelling your panties is hardly a big deal.
49. He takes her panties. Then they go to dinner. For two pages they dance around the idea he has her panties, and she is going to leave the house without underwear. And he double checks to make sure she has everything, expecting to her ask for her panties.  No man, ever, anywhere, double checks to make sure a woman wants to wear panties.  I'm starting to wonder if the author has ever talked to a man.
50.  She is afraid that he is going to punish her, by spanking her with his hand.  It isn't like he is going to break her knee caps.  She thinks that staying in Georgia "where he can't reach me".  He has a fucking helicopter! That he can fly! Did the author already forget that? And more money than god! Even if he didn't have a helicopter, I think he can buy a plane ticket.

I have over 100 more pages of this drudgery. I told myself I would read it.  I didn't know it would be this hard.

Men who play string instruments play cords as they are falling asleep.

It is pretty adorable.

Conversations

Man: I want you.
Lauren: What happens when you get tired of me?
Man: Has anyone ever gotten tired of you?


Touche, Mr. Mind Reader.

My neck, my back

Friday night I was out. I was tired.  My neck hurt.  Wait, my neck hurts?

I tell me friend, "I am dating two massage therapists and my neck hurts." She says, "You are doing something wrong."

She is totally right.

I actually think my neck was hurting because I am getting sick.

Dating two men is tiring, maybe one of them will take care of me.

Fluidity

I'm going through this strange phase in my life where everyday I am surprised by myself.  I am a stranger.  The new person I meet everyday is someone I really like.  I'm finding what I need in my life is this constant connection.  I want to meet new people and talk to them. Interesting people. When I meet sheltered, close minded people it almost makes me physically ill.  But when I meet an interesting person, even for just a moment, it invigorates me.  It renews me in a way. It makes me feel like there is so much in the world that I want to learn about and talk about and share with people.

I am happy.  I am excited about life.  I can't wait to see where this takes me.

Horoscope

I went to Paper Source. I picked up a book about your color horoscope.  I looked up my birthday.  This is what it said:

"Your ability to affect people is powerful. Highly intelligent you enjoy learning and sharing information and concepts. You are discriminating and can cut to the truth and convey ideas with insight and assurance. You are highly magnetic and can change the world with your intention, poise, and charisma."

This is weird.  Really weird.  Of course, you don't know why because I have been terrible about keeping up with my blog.

But here is the long and short of the story. I met a stranger, an older man and we were instantly drawn to one another.  We had this deep conversation the instant we met.  I asked him, "How do I change the world?" He told me that all I had to do was to be me.  Then he later told me he is drawn to me and that I have a powerful magnetism.  He also told me how powerful I am.

Ego boosts

In no particular order:

1. Someone saying, "You look a lot younger than you are."

2.  Someone saying, "You make that look easy" after having done an exercise.

3. Someone saying, "You have a great smile." "I like how you smile with your whole face." "I like how you smile with your eyes." Or any variation.

4. Someone who is older than me listening to what I have so say, especially some philosophy on life I'm spouting on about, then considering it, then saying "I think you're right."

The examined life

I wonder what it is in me that elicits the exact same behavior from more than one person.  Sometimes it is good, sometimes bad.  As of late the behavior is men telling me they want to travel with me.  Laying in bed and daydreaming about the places we would go seems to be a staple of my nights.  

Man I'm sleeping with: I really want to leave. 

Lauren: What is keeping you here? Everything will still be here when you get back and you can always come back.

Man: [Audible sigh]

Lauren: What is keeping ME here?

Man: [walks up behind me and says in my ear] Maybe you were just waiting for me.  

In bed with someone else watching a surfing documentary:

Lauren: [Some amazing beach with crystal clear water comes on the screen] That is beautiful.  

Other man: [Pulls me close, presses me up against him] I'll take you there, baby.  

As you may or may not be able to tell, my romantic life has picked up.  For this moment, it is quite nice.   I desperately want it to last.  

It won't.  

But for this moment I am enjoying the shit out of it.