Thursday, August 16, 2012

50 Reasons I hate 50 Shades of Grey

1. Anastasia.  I hate the name. I mean the character is terrible, absolutely so, but the name grates on my last nerve.
2. Christian.  I hate the name.  His character may be worse.  But "Christian" is she sneaking in some weird religious theme in there?  What is she trying to say?
3. If I have to read one more phrase about how Anastasia looked at Christian "through her eyelashes" I may scream.  I'm sorry, but if you can't look the person you are about to fuck in the eyes while you are having a conversation you better call it off.
4. "Beguiled", WAY over used.
5.  "Scruffy", why would that word be used to describe a woman, more than once, at that?
6.  Why does the protagonist of this book have to be a meek little bitch who knows nothing about life? Why can't she be a graceful, self assured woman?  Confident women are much more attractive to everyone.  Confident woman can also be submissive.
7. A virginal, 21 year old child, who has never had her hand held by a man, is led into a room full of whips and chains and restraints and red leather and is not the least bit surprised, or scared of this stranger? Come on.
8. I suspended disbelief for the fact that Christian is a helicopter pilot at 27, along with a billionaire CEO, but Anastasia not being surprised by the fact that he wants to abuse her or vice versa.  Come on.
9. "I don't make love. I fuck...hard." Really? Only a 27 year old would say that.  Am I supposed to be turned on?
10.  A 27 year old? There isn't enough money in the world to buy wisdom or experience.  Am I supposed to be turned on?
11. He likes Kings of Leon.  Gross.  Is there a world where that is sexy?
12. She uses his toothbrush and thinks "it would be like having him in my mouth".  What part of that isn't gross? What part of using his toothbrush would be like having him in her mouth? Is he hard and plastic and bristly? I don't get it.
13. "Michelangelo's David has nothing on him." There are no words.  I just vomit a little every time I think about it.  That is so bad it deserves two numbers on the list, but I think I can come up with 50 without using this reason twice.
14. After seeing his "playroom" she calls him a "monster".  Thank you E L James for perpetuating the fact that something is wrong with people who like this.  That's nice.  You have made money on this particular fetish. I'm so glad you took time to research and understand and present someone with a certain proclivity as a monster.  That's nice.
15. She signs an agreement to not talk about what they do without reading it.  He scolds her for not reading it.  Great.  At least that is brought up.  Why would you sign something in a strangers house without reading it?  What a dumb bitch.
16.  Why would a man who can have anything he wants want a dumb bitch?
17. For that matter, why would a man who can have anything he wants, gets anything he wants, want some naive little bitch who is willing to do anything he wants from the start?  Wouldn't he want a challenge?
18. Of course he wouldn't want a challenge because his character is a spoiled little rich kid, and a coward who doesn't have the fortitude for a challenge.
19. Only a coward goes in for the easy kill.
20. A real man wants a woman who can stand up for herself.  A real man wants a woman, not a child.  A good dom can make anybody submissive, not just petulant children who are looking for direction.
21. The term "holy crap".  After it was used once, I cringed.  Twice, three times,  that is disgusting.  This bitch needs a thesaurus. BAD.
22. "Any sane person wouldn't want to be involved in this sort of thing, surely." I am so offended.
23. The second time she calls him a monster is just uncalled for.
24.  "...the effects of which travel all the way down there." Her vagina? Was this written for a 12 year old?
25. Adults are reading this, right? Not children? I do not think it is sexy when a woman can't say or doesn't have a term for her vagina.  That woman should not be having sex. She is not mature enough.
26.  Seriously, Anastasia makes Lolita look like an old prostitute and she hadn't hit puberty yet.
27. "He's so freaking hot." Never okay.  Say "fucking" or don't. But don't ever use "freaking".  For the love of god, never use "freaking".  Definitely not twice.  I'm only on page 112.
28. Ok. I'm confused.  The terms "behind" and "backside" when describing a butt should only be used by grandmas, not by 21 year olds.  Furthermore, those two terms are about the least sexy thing I can think of.
29.   Not once, but twice for both "behind" and "backside". Seriously, this bitch NEEDS a thesaurus.
30. "he slams into me.... as he rips through my virginity." In what world is that good? That sounds terrible.  I laughed out loud.  Not sexy. Not even a little.
31. "He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle." Just as things start to get good, this bitch ruins it with something so utterly stupid that I laugh.
32.  "...oh my" as an expression of surprised sexual pleasure and desire, coupled with "there" referencing her vagina are what old ladies say. Not to mention the whole "behind" thing.  I start imagining an old lady.  Which is probably a lot weirder than ol' James intended.
33. She sucks his dick.  This is after he says, "I want to fuck your mouth."  But when he goes to give her head "part of me wants to push him off because I'm mortified and embarrassed. He is going to kiss me there!" Are you fucking kidding me?  How in the hell am I supposed to be turned on by this uptight little bitch?  I can do nothing but laugh at her.
34.  "I know in that moment I would do anything for this man."  Ugh.  Can a bitch have free will and do things because they bring her pleasure, not because some rich little brat wants her to do what he is into.
35. Christian tells her, "'I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that.' His quiet chilling tone is a warning, and with one long cold look at he heads back to the bedroom." Sounding like a possessive, abusive boyfriend isn't sexy. In a book of this nature where Lauren is the main character, I would have slapped him on the ass and said "I don't believe anybody asked you, cowboy."
36. She describes him as "strange" and "disturbing". So offended.  Is she only fucking him because he is some kind of freak show.  I am so offended.
37. For the record, "sexual abuse" isn't the cause of a proclivity towards a dominant/submissive relationship.  Worse, if that were the result she calls him a "monster" and "disturbing". Those words are for people who don't ask for consent, who take out there troubled minds on people who are unsuspecting. Those words don't represent a consenting adult relationship.
38. She writes like she is getting paid by the word.
39. Christian Grey sleeps in a t-shirt.  What man sleeps in a t-shirt? I'm appalled by that.
40. "Laters, baby." Why would a grown ass man say "laters"?  Highly disgusted.  The best fuck in the world couldn't peel the "eat shit and die" look off my face after a grown man said "laters" to me.
41. Christian Grey drinks white wine when he is waiting.  Men only drink white wine when they are having dinner with a woman.  Otherwise, they drink bourbon or scotch.  If they get fancy they ask for ice.  No wonder everyone thinks he is gay.  He is.
42. I roll my eyes at least once on every page.
43. "I'll have emotionally invested three months..." Well, god almighty, might as well write off your whole life after those whole three months.  That is just too long to vathum. Three. Whole. Months. How could anyone recover after that.  It is right to be cautious. You don't want your life to go down the tubes.
44. "I didn't know I could dream sex."  Are you fucking kidding me?  Is she retarded?
45. A billionaire wants to buy a broke ass 21 year old computers, cars, clothes, personal training, food, who cares what else and do some mildly kinky, as of page 330, sex acts and this bitch has to think about it.  For days.  Are you kidding me?! I do weird shit for free.  I would give my left arm for a break like that.
46.  I was really hoping he would hate fuck her. Really hurt her.  I'm losing hope.  But I'll keep reading.
47. The author never describes Anastasia's body.  I want to know what her rack is like.  I want to know what her waist to hip ratio is.  Is she chubby, rail thin? She doesn't exercise. But she also doesn't eat.  It bothers me.
48. He smells her panties and she calls it "barbarous".  Maybe she doesn't know what that means.  Sticking his fist up your ass was on the list of things that he wanted to do.  Smelling your panties is hardly a big deal.
49. He takes her panties. Then they go to dinner. For two pages they dance around the idea he has her panties, and she is going to leave the house without underwear. And he double checks to make sure she has everything, expecting to her ask for her panties.  No man, ever, anywhere, double checks to make sure a woman wants to wear panties.  I'm starting to wonder if the author has ever talked to a man.
50.  She is afraid that he is going to punish her, by spanking her with his hand.  It isn't like he is going to break her knee caps.  She thinks that staying in Georgia "where he can't reach me".  He has a fucking helicopter! That he can fly! Did the author already forget that? And more money than god! Even if he didn't have a helicopter, I think he can buy a plane ticket.

I have over 100 more pages of this drudgery. I told myself I would read it.  I didn't know it would be this hard.

No comments: