I watch movies and listen to songs about heartbreak.  They talk about a love that you can't live without. I worry that I will never find that.  I want a really good heartbreak. It's been a decade since I have been heartbroken.  I think it would do me some good.  I need love that will shake me, hurt me, open my eyes.  Something to wake me up.  I don't know what else will do it.

Realizations

Here are the reasons I will always be alone.

1. I'm not good at sharing.  People tend to do that when they are getting to know one another.  It makes me uncomfortable to talk to strangers about the fucked up shit that has happened in my life.  Who am I kidding? It makes me uncomfortable to talk to people I love about that shit.

2. I don't lie.  I would rather somebody not like me than for somebody to like me for a lie.  That goes for feelings too.  I don't pretend I have them when I don't, or vise versa.  I just say it.  No games.  I expect it from other people.  I don't get it.

3. Interacting with a person I don't connect with makes me feel more alone.

4. The whole thing exhausts me.

On the bright side, I was worried that I would never feel lusty feelings for somebody and I did.  That gives me a little bit of hope. Though, I fear that a lot of that could have been alcohol.

I have this fear that I will never meet anyone that excites me.  I need a person who can really make me laugh.  I need someone to shock me.  I fear it won't happen.  It certainly won't happen anytime soon.  I have given up that dream.

I used to attract really smart, fucked up people, who are unusual and interesting.  Now I just attract really dumb people who are shallow.  What happened? I fear that it is something I am giving off.  It's like all my jaded and closed off translates to "I like dumb shallow people, if you are dumb and shallow please come and find me". How do I fix it?  

Thanksgiving

I thought I would give my body a rest and not exercise this week.  I woke up on the wrong side of crazy this morning.  My body needs the rest, but my mind does not.

I'm tired of the holidays.  I think I will opt out of all Christmas celebrations this year.  This year will be my last Thanksgiving.  It really sucks.  I hate the holidays to begin with and then it is just extra torture when you are hungry and miserable. "Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink" syndrome.  Did I also mention that I have already been to THREE Thanksgiving celebrations and I still have 2 more to attend.

So much to say.

We will all have to settle with this for now. I need to take Bucket to the dog park to visit my brother's puppy.

Lauren: I just need a twenty year old I can mold into the person I want them to be.
Kyle: Yeah, Lauren, that's healthy.  'I'll make you into the person I want you to be because I'm smarter than you. If you don't know it now, you will'.

What can I say? When somebody knows me, they know me.

P.S. Got one on the line.  We shall see what happens.

I may have given the wrong impression

I may have given it out generously.  Then I called take-backs.  It was shitty.  I let my loneliness rule the show for a while.  I'm back in charge.

I was looking so fucking hot last night.  I think I broke up two couples last night with the shirt I was wearing.  And I was the fucking loser looking for the girl who was ditching me.

There is something wrong with me no doubt.  

And my friend said on the way home "You were second guessing yourself. It was like I didn't even know you."  Ouch.  Fucking ouch.  

Why am I still thinking about this girl?

And I let her ruin my night.  

Why am I constantly searching for ways to waste my time?

Weird dreams

I was having a dream about going to visit this girl I like.  Only I overbooked.  Not with one, but two women.  So, I have three dates, and instead of turning anyone down I just bring them all to see the first one.  How fucked up is that.  I was already late when I left, which- no go.  Plus, we all get into the car finally and I realize that this red jetta isn't the one I filled up with gas recently, you know, because I have two.  So I go back into the house and Bucket comes out of a strange room.  He got bit by a bug that turned him into another dog.  He was shaped like a cocker spaniel.  (Oh, probably because my mom called Bucket, Jumpy last night. That was the name of my first dog who was part cocker spaniel.) So anyways, he was really skinny and had long hair on his legs. He nose was more like a daschund. His eyes were really light, like sea green.  When he came out of the room he growled at me.  I tried to approach, but he really didn't stop growling.  Then, I was like, oh well, have to leave, I'm late.

There are so many parts to this dream that are real fucked up.  In my expert opinion, it means I'm afraid of fucking things up with this woman and with Bucket.

I'm going to have a Dr. Pepper and cookies for breakfast. That will help.

clarity through hormones

How many long distance relationships can one person have?  Don't count them yet the days not over yet.

I think I confuse missing someone for real feelings.  You can read "daddy issues".  Go ahead.  We're being honest here.

Sometimes I get really down on myself for not having any ambition beyond getting laid and traveling.  Then, I think, historically, I'm in good company.  This is what transgendered people feel.  I feel like a man on the inside.  I have the soul of a conquistador.


Too much wine.  Not enough sleep.  Too much thinking. Not enough doing.

Good night.

Life is such a bitch

You know, I have been sleeping alone for a while now.  About a year.  Had some intermittent company, but the better part of that year I was sleeping alone.  I like it.  The past few months I haven't even thought about getting laid.  I don't think twice about going home alone to an empty bed.  And then.  I meet this woman.  I was so tired yesterday from helping a friend move and all I wanted was to come home to a smile and get in bed with a soft, warm body who would touch me under the covers.