Realizations

Here are the reasons I will always be alone.

1. I'm not good at sharing.  People tend to do that when they are getting to know one another.  It makes me uncomfortable to talk to strangers about the fucked up shit that has happened in my life.  Who am I kidding? It makes me uncomfortable to talk to people I love about that shit.

2. I don't lie.  I would rather somebody not like me than for somebody to like me for a lie.  That goes for feelings too.  I don't pretend I have them when I don't, or vise versa.  I just say it.  No games.  I expect it from other people.  I don't get it.

3. Interacting with a person I don't connect with makes me feel more alone.

4. The whole thing exhausts me.

On the bright side, I was worried that I would never feel lusty feelings for somebody and I did.  That gives me a little bit of hope. Though, I fear that a lot of that could have been alcohol.

I have this fear that I will never meet anyone that excites me.  I need a person who can really make me laugh.  I need someone to shock me.  I fear it won't happen.  It certainly won't happen anytime soon.  I have given up that dream.

I used to attract really smart, fucked up people, who are unusual and interesting.  Now I just attract really dumb people who are shallow.  What happened? I fear that it is something I am giving off.  It's like all my jaded and closed off translates to "I like dumb shallow people, if you are dumb and shallow please come and find me". How do I fix it?