I had a dream

Damn, was it a doozie. At 2:30 in the morning I sent myself an email so I would remember.

This is the email, exactly:
Lion vomiting rats. treadmill 
squash growing on terrace
living with mp, jonathan
bucket lookalike rat. balloon


The detailed version- 
I was on a treadmill at the gym and watching tv. I think it was a news broadcast where they play a youtube video.  This video was of a lion vomiting live rats.  That's gross.  Then I was at home. My neighbor had a store that sold antique type things having to do with monkeys. He had some of these rats that the lion vomited taxidermied and he said he was going to be very rich.  It was no home I have ever lived in.  It looked a lot like a restaurant. It had a really long patio that was stone, the front of the house was just flat.  It had a 3 foot in diameter whole in the stone where I planted some squash.  Then the plant as I watched grew to overtake the entire patio, but luckily it grew up and clung to the trellis and now the patio had complete shade.  The light was coming through really nice and the squash flowers were everywhere.   It was magical.  Then MP came home, cause for some reason I was living with him.  I tried to say something but he went past me into the house like he was ignoring me. I thought it was because he was now friends with one of Kyle's old friends, we'll call him Jonathan. Who I happen to not like because he gets on my nerves. When I looked at him as he was walking in the door he paused and glanced at me. His hair was longer, not long, just not shaved and he looked really old, and he didn't have a beard.  I thought, "Oh well" and went on admiring this freshly sprung shade.  Then.  A rat (again with the rats, what in the hell does that mean) came onto the porch.  It looked exactly like Bucket only with a long, skinny, hairless tail.  I was kind of freaking out, because they were playing. I didn't want Bucket to catch something.  So I open the door to only let Bucket in the house and the rat/Bucket look-a-like slides in behind him.  The door opened into the kitchen and there was a red balloon on the floor.  The rat then jumps on the balloon and is playing with it, but somehow not popping it.  As that is happening I pick up the real Bucket (I think) and the rat Bucket loses his tail. Then I can't trust myself to know which is which and I think, What if I'm holding the rat! then I wake up.  

Bras

I went to Target to buy a cheap bra.  While I was in the dressing room I realized that because of the two mirrors I could see myself straight on from behind.  That is a very rare view only experienced from cameras.  My ass looks totally different than the way I'm used to seeing it, from the side.  It's like a whole different ass.

I spent some time in there with my shirt off just flexing my back.  Not kidding.  I flexed my back in the mirror.  Over the years boyfriends have said I have a nice back.  I do.  They weren't lying.  It was awesome seeing it cause it was like a stranger. There are a couple of reasons, one: I never get to see my back like that, two: I am more muscular than I have ever been.

Just Friday I was at the gym looking at women's backs, I guess really there shoulder blade areas, I couldn't see the rest of their backs.  I was thinking that athletic women's backs are really nice.  Turns out I have one of my own.

Monday- Conditioning Kickboxing Class- One Hour (Ruthless asskicking)
Tuesday- Regular Kickboxing Class- One Hour
Wednesday-30 min bike ride in the morning, Conditioning Kickboxing Class plus Intermediate Kickboxing class back to back- 2 1/2 Hours (Extra Ruthless asskicking)
Thursday- Regular Kickboxing Class- One Hour - Brutal cause I was so tired from the day before

Friday???? Should I attend bootcamp?  I don't think I can.  I need a rest.  I think I will take the day off.

Saturday and Sunday I will ride my bike and Monday I will be back at bootcamp.

July 17th I weighed 125 pounds, now I weigh 114.  That is 11 pounds, my friends.  That is about 10% of me.  Eleven pounds of dead weight.

This massage therapist told me I should do something slow and relaxing to counter act all the active kickboxing I have been doing, yin yang shit.  So I have taken to meditating in any line I stand in.  It is really amazing.  All I do it really focus on my body, my posture, keeping my spine alined. I just shut out the world and think about being aligned.  In stead of wasting my life in lines I am looking at it as a way to better myself.

Do you hear the shit that is coming out of my mouth?  Whoa.

Goal Updates 2 weeks

Everything is getting so much easier.  (Even not eating gluten.)

Granted my knuckles have no skin on them, I really like kickboxing.

I don't have to worry about not being rock hard in six weeks, because, well, I already am.  My abs are solid.  I'm seeing all sorts of new definition.  I'm constantly inspired by my own progress.

I can do 10 regular pushups, up from one.  Then 10 more on my knees.

And another one

Me: Can you believe it? I have had no PMS this month.  I haven't been raging mad once.
Tammy: [Thinks for a second] Sort of.
Me: I feel better. I didn't get a new personality.

[Laughing]

My favorite recent conversations about my body

In car with my mom, I'm driving.
At a light, I hold my arm up. My elbow is bent and even with her eyes.
Me: Is there a bruise on the back of my arm?
Mom: No, but you do have a bump right there.
Me: [giving mom the are you kidding me look]
Mom: Is that your muscle?
Me: [Laughing] Yeah!

At kickboxing class, the instructor comes over and is showing us some blocks.  She pretends to punch and I block with my forearm.
Instructor: Gah, somebody has boney arms.
Me: [Laughing] It's me!

(My forearms are bruised to shit because that part of my arm is so boney.)

Passively suicidal

I'm done being passively suicidal.  Don't act all affronted and pretend that the choices you are making aren't slowly killing you.  Well, I am done with it.  I'm done with not taking care of myself.  I done with not exercising. I'm done with not eating right.  It doesn't mean that I won't slip up, but that little slip up is a  lot better than all the time.

I'm not only talking about my physical health.  I'm putting a foot down on my mental health too.  I am striving to be the most honest and genuine person I can be.  I only want to be around people who are honest and genuine.  I'm trying to put out what I want back.  I only want to be around people who like me for me.  And if I change they will have to learn to love that person too.  I'm making a conscience effort to  be deliberate. I want to spend time with people I can be myself around.  And if I find that is not the case I will discard that person from my life like a sack of dog poo, with a pinched nose and then a sigh of relief and a breath of fresh air.