It's hard standing all alone in a fucking tornado.  It's only right I should get tired.  Sometimes I have to crawl.  All I have ever wanted is to feel like I have somebody I can lean on.  I am an utter failure.  The best I can muster is co-dependency.

When I was a kid I knew so many troubled adults.  They have a certain look, the troubled.  Their glassy eyed stare begs, "Will this get any better?" I watched, confused.  Wondering what would cause a person to look so desperate.  I wanted to know, but I was terrified.  I always thought the world was an unforgiving place.  It was proven to me time and again by the rubble that was people's lives. I look at myself in the mirror and see that same look, sad and desperate.  My last match burned out.  It's just me and the cave now.    I found myself crying today for no reason.  I heard myself making noises.  I wondered where I went.  This new person has a different voice and she makes noises that I have never heard before.  Gasps for breath.  Life is sitting on my chest and she is a fat bitch.

I wish I could explain to someone how much I hurt.  

There is something you should know about me

I love Cher's Dark Lady album.  I listen to it and dance around my house and sing into things, whatever is handy.  Lacking something phallic, I sing into the empty space in my hand where a microphone would be.

And...

I tend to keep things that are really hurtful and needling all to myself if I care about you.  Turns out, when I'm pushed to my limit and I absolutely don't give a shit if you hurt or not I fucking let them rip.  Boy, but when the damn breaks it's like Katrina up in there.  Shit gets ruined.  I stop holding back.  If you happen to be made of a rock like substance, you can recover and it turns out we can be friends again.  Lord knows I said some fucking hateful things. 7 years of anger and absolutely not see each other.  In the end, it worked out.  Nobody forgets.  Once the words are out of your mind and in the world.  It gets brought up.  Fair enough.  But fuck it.  I didn't asked to be pushed to the limit, and then over the fucking edge.  I crack like an egg and only black oozes out, festering death.

At last, catharsis.

Oh that train of thought runnin' right on time
But it's off the track and I'm losing my mind
'Cause the way you used me
Gonna drive me insane honey
For God's sake stop the train

trend

If you are dating someone and they tell you that they have had a "crazy" girlfriend/boyfriend, run.  You can probably put money on the fact that the person you are talking to did something to make them "crazy".

Somedays

I get so tired of life.

Every night I go to bed hoping I'll wake up normal.  I hope that I'll open my eyes and all of a sudden all the mundane bullshit that gets other people threw one more day works for me.

Not me.  I cry at the fucking gym.  And why not?  Because the guy who is replacing the flat screens and ogling me might judge me.  What the fuck kind of view could he have had from up there anyway?

I'm sick of me.  I'm sick of you.  I'm sick.  Somebody just put a pillow over my head.

The day the drinks didn't make me drunk

Sunday, I woke up angry.

At 2 in the afternoon I went to a friend's to hang out and vent.  Took a shot of vodka.  Dripping Springs it was good shit.  Orange juice chaser.  It took the edge right off.

6pm: Went to a friends pool party for his birthday.  Had three margaritas.  Not really even buzzed.  Though, quote of the pool party-
Me to my friend whose first language is not English: This margarita is making me feel all warm inside.
Friend: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
...A second of silence...
Friend: Or does that mean you're horny?
Me: No.  Not that inside.
Both crack up.

11:30pm  Took my mom to a drag show.  It was her mother's day gift. Had two gin and tonics.  It was a lot of fun. Before the show started we saw a man in ultra hipster attire do two back handsprings onto the dance floor to start dancing.  When the show started at 12:30 I was done drinking.  This queen did a number where she came out lip syncing to Mariah Carey's song "Hero".  In case you are like me, and haven't heard the song in almost 2 decades the important lyrics are "Then a hero comes a long with the strength to carry on... blah blah...When you feel like hope is gone look inside you and be strong. You will finally see the truth that a hero lies in you." This bitch sits down on the stage, pulls a gyro from Jimmy John's out of her bra and proceeds to eat it. Holy shit did I laugh. The dance floor is in the middle of the club and everybody stands around it to watch the show.  I could clearly see the people on the other side of the dance floor. People tip the performers.  So you see everyone holding out their dollar bills, trying to get the lady's attention.  On the last number this guy from the audience on the opposite side of the dance floor was trying to get the performer's attention.  He is waving around like a maniac so my eyes are drawn to him.  As I watch, he pulls his dick out of the bottom of his cut off jean shorts.  Whole head sticking out of them.  Waves the girl over, but she won't even get close.  He yells something and it's a damn shame I can't read lips.  She moved on quickly.  At about 1:30am we are driving home and my mom says they must have the smallest penises in the world to be able to wear a tiny g-string and dance around.  I replied that it was soft and probably stretched in between their legs and then taped.  She says, "Ok, let me think about that....(second of silence)... Ok I don't think I want to think about that right now." I laughed so hard I cried.  It was a good thing we were at a stop light. I would have had to pull the car over.

It was a good day.

Today, however, I was left with a headache that would not quit.  I could not seem to hydrate.  It's almost seven and I am only starting to feel better.  

Here is a fun story

My mom has a lot of memorabilia from my childhood.  I happen upon things now and then.  When I do, I usually tell her, "Hey, don't get rid of [that]".  

In my old room, there was a shelf on the wall.  On the shelf, was a collection of antique perfume bottles.  I collected them when I hung out at my great aunt's antique shop. Some she would give me, some I would pay for.  I loved them.  A fancy container for liquid that smells like flowers.  Weird. The ritual, the femininity, the uniqueness.   Fascinating.  The day after her funeral I told my mom, "You know you can never get rid of these, right?" She said that she knew.  

Two weeks later, I went into my old room and the shelf had fallen off the wall.  You can imagine what happened to the perfume bottles.  The shelf had been up for easy four years.  There was absolutely no reason for that shelf to fall.  They aren't all gone, just the few that were my favorite.  

It would almost be funny if it wasn't so cruel.  

Fun with conversations:

[My dad's girlfriend watching me put a barely adequate amount of mustard on a hot dog, which apparently seems like a lot to other people]
Girlfriend: Man, [laughing] has she always been like that?
My dad: Weird? Yeah.


That makes me laugh.