On being sick

I wasn't realizing just how tired I was.  All this time I, and everyone I know, thought that I was mentally ill, turns out I was physically ill. I have a gluten intolerance. I was not absorbing nutrients from my food. I was sleeping 9 hours a night, minimum.  Plus a nap.  Everyday. And everyday I was so tired. I could barely function.  I would try to stay awake as long as possible and when my head hit the pillow that was it.  No thinking, no nothing, it was like a switch flipped and I was asleep.  I slept less that 6 hours last night and feel rested.  OH. GOD. THE FEELING.  I am not used to it. It wasn't good sleep either. This used to happen to me all the time.  I used to be a bad sleeper at one time in my life.  It used to take me hours to fall asleep.  I would wake up in the middle of the night and go watch tv.  My brain will not turn off.  I have forgotten all my brain quieting techniques.  I need to eat some gluten to get some rest apparently.  And the dehydration.  That bit about your pee being clear so you know you're hydrated. Lies.  My pee was crystal clear.  I was always two skips from dehydration at any given time.  I drank alcohol the other night.  A lot for me.  I had 2 mixed drinks plus 2 shots of whiskey in 4 hours with only one and a half glasses of water.  I was not dizzy.  Repeat, I was not dizzy.  Not only that, I did not feel as if I had been beat with a stick.  My muscles were not sore at all.  I didn't not have a horrible headache by the time I was going to sleep. Nothing. It was amazing.

And the feelings. Oh. God. The feelings.  I am having actual, honest to god, feelings.  Good ones. Not just shitty ones.  Excitement.  I can't tell you how long it has been since I have felt excitement.  Because I don't know.  I was living off experience and trying to participate in feelings through the old Lauren and facial expressions without ever feeling anything.  I was starting to get real discouraged about life.  I thought maybe I was changing forever. I didn't like anything that I once did. Or it didn't  make me feel the way it once did. Turns out all feelings were gone. I think I have read one, maybe two books this entire year.  I was getting so discouraged with myself.  Now, when I read it is like I am on fire.  I can finish a book.  And I enjoy it again.  My brain doesn't feel like it is overheating and needs to shut down. Just thinking about reading all day is a lovely thought again, as it once was, as opposed to the oppressive fatigue I would feel just thinking about it.  All I could do was turn on some tv noise and stare.  I was making stupid mistakes.  For example, holding two things like milk and a glass put the milk in the cabinet and the glass in the fridge type shit.  It was so frustrating.  I would spill things constantly, break things, I was so clumsy.  That is not my style. Sure those things happen every once in a while. All the time?

I don't know what's what. Is it all my diet?  Is my mental health starting to turn the corner otherwise? Am I feeling good because a confluence of things or just my diet?  Either way, I feel 20 again, and not like a 60 year old lady.