This is so sweet

I cried. Well, actual tears didn't come out of my eyes, but they watered.

My birthday present from Corley

Grubb approves

Many Shades of Black

I once wrote this to someone that I had once upon a time slept with. The letter before this one was a list of say ten or so reason why the relationship wouldn't go any further. Ever. In my defense, 'cause boy oh boy is it a doozy, Mystery Person pushed me. I can see now that it pushed me over the edge. This was in a "sent" folder. I don't have the previous one but I think it was numbered. I'm laughing now, but just from uncomfortableness, and the harsh reality of my meanness. It isn't a pretty picture, but it is me.


Dear Mystery Person,

The cryptic bullshit is really tired and predictable and what's more it
is really irritating. If you want to say something say it. If you
don't want to say something then don't mention it, but don't expect me
to ask. I won't.

The thing is I am right about every single one of them. Why? Because
it is my fucking opinion.

I wouldn't exactly call them mistakes if you acted like that at the
beginning of our relationship, through the worst parts and then
afterwards. I would call that a personality trait.

Lastly if that wasn't enough for you.

You think you know everything in the god damn world. It is so so
boring. You aren't willing to try new things or experience new things
or just except change in general. I don't know how many times you said
you were stuck in your ways or some bullshit. Oh, but now you have
changed. Right? So what am I supposed to believe? That you don't want
to change or that you have changed. I do recall this one thing that has
sort of nagged at me. I find it funny. Once you told me this long
drawn out story about this girl you loved and how you fucked it up
because you lied. Then you had on this ring and that was supposed to
remind you that you would never do that again. And you knew that you
would never lie or fuck up the same way again. Funny, seems to me that
that is exactly what happened, again. You don't know if it will ever
happen again cause you haven't been put in a similar situation. You
will never know. And you don't have any control over it. And if you
think you do you are kidding yourself and you haven't learned anything.

Also a huge reason, I don't know why I didn't think of this one before,
you think you can control me. Or did , or whatever. I let you, sure.
But who the fuck do you think you are to tell people what they can and
can't do. Your life ain't so great. What makes you so fucking special
that you can tell someone else what to do? I mean you picked me up in a
tattoo shop and you told me not to get anymore tattoos.... What the
fuck? I can't get over that. It is so laughable.

But I don't think you believe a word of this. I think that you think I
am saying these things because I am mad at you or that these are things
I have gathered from you being an asshole to me. I mean, why should you
believe me I am just a child. I'm sure you could tell me my opinion much
better.

So I will tell you stuff about my life, some it none of your business,
in order to let you know just how serious I am that we will never, ever,
ever get back together. You should believe me because I have never been
more truthful about how I felt about someone.

I don't love you. I'm not even sure I really like you. Judging from
the things I think about you. I don't think I do.

I love somebody else. I am happy. I am getting married.

How's that? Sufficient?

Lauren

Told you it was a doozy.



"Take it as it comes and be thankful when it's done. There's so many ways to act and you cannot take it back. There's many shades of black. "

I think I am to socially adept to be involved in the English department.  I like to read as much as the next guy, but sometimes I look around the room and wonder if these people have had a relationship with anybody.  A friend, a girlfriend, Anything other than a book.

Furthermore, sometimes I get tired of talking about things that the people in the room (sometimes me included) have obviously have had no experience with other than the book we are reading.  Like talking about poor, minorities, crime, etc.  It feels really gross.  I feel like such a sleaze bag sometimes.  I wish we could enjoy the thing for what it is, a very different experience than our own and then move on.  

funny thing

I saw an advisor for graduate school.  She told me that they only look at upper division GPA.  What do I do?  Immediately quit worrying about my Spanish and Geography class, both lower division classes.  I took 2, TWO, Spanish tests without studying.  Made an A in the class.  I also took my geography final that was worth 50% of my grade.  I didn't study.  What was I thinking?  I made an 88.  With a curve I made an A in the class.  

I would say I'm going with this whole new approach to making A's.  Not caring.  But already I'm nervous about next week.  I have a test on Wednesday and a paper due on Thursday.  

On a very different note, I really like the words predilection and amalgam.  

Changing the subject again, Grubb and Sluggs have been watching America's Greatest Dog and they both hope that Tillman wins.  

Two classes down

Two to go.  I am done with Spanish FOREVER!!!!!!  maniacal laugh... And science for that matter, but that isn't as exciting.  

The two classes I have this session are like summer book clubs.  My short story professor even said so a "mini summer book club" he called it.  Short stories are so satisfying sometimes and others they are so frustrating.  Kinda like a quickie, if you catch my drift, sometimes they just don't scratch that itch.  The American Novel after the 20th century is really exciting.  I'm reading some really fun authors on my "to read" list that I never would have actually gotten around to.  H.P. Lovecraft, Philip K. Dick (he wrote A Scanner Darkly), Cormac McCarthy (No Country for Old Men) of course we aren't reading either of those, right now I'm reading Raymond Chandler's The Big Sleep.  I've seen the movie.  It's a good one.  So is the book.  And last Stephen King.  Who can complain about reading five novels in five weeks? I can.  I also have three papers go along with that class. Not to mention the tests and the paper for the other one.  I'm tired just thinking about it.  Not to mention I have so much reading a night I can barely come up for air.  But class is fun.  I can't complain too much.  

Coffee Filter Roses

Doesn't sound very fabulous.  BUT.  Look how fabulous they are! Or look here.

Flickr

I looked at my flickr stats today. The line graph was really weird. Usually, it goes up and down and up and down all over the place. But this one was a straight line with one big spike. So I run the mouse over the dots. Looks like usual. 62, 43, 7, 29, but next to 29 was 106 and there was no movement. Apparently on the 26th I received 4,451 views. Which seems wrong for the simple reason that my total views when I click on my photostream hasn't changed. It is still 11,462. Over 4,000 looky-loos would make that number a lot bigger. What could that be from? I thought it might be from shmap, but that picture only has 50 views.  

Birth Control

I have been off birth control pills for a couple of weeks now. I'm convinced that the way birth control is supposed to work for me is to make me not want sex. If that is the aim it works wonderfully. Though, it doesn't keep me from having it, just enjoying it. The problem is that when I'm off birth control the only thing I can think about is sex.

Could I strike a happy medium here?

I don't think it is possible. Either sex is a waste of my time or I waist my time thinking about sex. School is the worst, because day dreaming is so easy. One minute your thinking about estuaries and fjords the next minute very inappropriate things are going on in your mind. Nothing triggers it either. It is so unexpected. Especially after a year of birth control. It takes me by surprise. There is no cure. I rubbed one off before I left for class thinking this would help me focus. It didn't.

I saw this special on some 20/20 like show and it was about these women who were sex obsessed. They were crying about it (literally). It was a big deal that even after they had an orgasm they weren't satisfied, blah, blah, blah. I think I know how they feel. They should try birth control. Works like a charm.