Grubb is dead

At night, in the dark, in the silence, the silence that he used to occupy, the phrase plays over and over. Sometimes I hear it thirty times before I can get it to stop. I don't want this to be happening.

Mornings are harder. It is like my body wants to hurt me. It is almost like I have to remember all over again every morning. The silence is too hard to take. Sometimes I have a movie playing while I play a video game. By sometimes I mean all the time. It is the only way I can deal with the quiet. Sometimes I do let it be silent. I can only take so much before I start a million things playing so I can rest my heart.

I'm tired, exhausted would be more accurate, all the time.

I have one emergency sleeping pill sitting in my bathroom. Last night was pretty bad, but I was awake at 4:50. I wouldn't have been able to wake up for work if I took a pill then. Instead I laid in the dark and the silence.