I have a raging hard on for making this guy think that I am cool. I do not get it. This is just one of the many ways in which I am fucked up. I just feel that it is obvious that I am smarter and funnier than him. I need him to acknowledge that. Would that be so fucking difficult? When somebody does think I am cool and wants to spend time with me I act like they have the plague. David Sedaris said it, "I wouldn't want to marry anyone who would want to marry me." I feel it.
When older men compliment me I like it more than when a younger, more attractive man does. They say to me, without saying it, "I have seen so many bitches in my life, and still you stand out enough for me to take notice. I know a nice piece when I see one."
A friend told a story this weekend about calling her boyfriend crying and I had this pang of sadness from not having anybody I can call crying who is forced to listen because I have sex with them. It has been working on me all weekend. I don't have a single thing to cry about, except the fact that I don't have anybody to cry to. That is so stupid. It made me think of the time that Kyle was in Spain and I was delivering the paper. I drove up on a curb and popped my tire at 3 in the morning. I would have to change my tire and then finish my route because I had just started. Instead of just doing that I made an international call on my cell phone to Kyle so I could sit on the curb and cry to somebody. He didn't even seem the least bit bored with it and he had just woken up. I wasn't even having sex with him because obviously our spacial situation didn't allow for that, and still he seemed genuinely upset that I was upset even though it was just a stupid tire. How I managed to have such good people in my life is a mystery even to me.
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