I get into this rut of thinking that I won't let myself have anything that is good for me, or allow myself to be happy because I hate myself too much.

Then I watch some porn and jerk off and it is abundantly clear that I don't hate myself that much.

I will not let my vagina be the hole someone buries their problems in.  I have enough of my own. I don't need anything else weighing me down.

Likewise, I will not bury my problems in someone else's genitals.  It isn't healthy or kind.

I would rather be alone and celibate than sick and unkind.