"Time and tears went by, and I collected dust. For there were many things I didn't know."

A series of things has been weighing me down.

A couple of weeks ago me and my mom went to Dallas to see her step grandmother, I guess. Her son was married to my grandmother. He died after they had two little girls together. He fell off a horse and broke his leg. While he was in surgery he died. I'm not sure why. But that was before I was born. Cordella is 94. Her daughter said that we should visit because she wasn't sure there was going to be much more opportunity. They have been saying that for over three years. We went to visit, but without much urgency. She lives in a nursing home on busy street in Plano. She has her own room with a window. when we walked in she was watching television. We went with one of my mom's sisters and Cordella's daughter. Cordella looked at me and my mom, her face scrunched up, trying to figure out who we were. Her daughter told her and it didn't seem to ring any bells, but she smiled at us and we held her hand. She looked at my mom's sister and recognized her from when she was there last. My mom had put together this little album of her favorite pictures for Cordella. The first picture was of Cordella and her husband. It was taken at least 15 years ago, since her husband has been dead for that long maybe 20. She turns the first page and is immediately confused. "Who is this?" she asks. So, everyone tries to explain that the man standing next to her looking down happily is her husband, Alex. Still nothing. So they kept going, her daughter telling her that was her father, your husband. Then she looked up and said, "I'm confused." It was as if all the air was sucked out of the room. She was married to him for fifty years. Not only could she not recognize him, she couldn't recognize herself in the picture. In further pictures she couldn't recognize her grand kids. All I could think about is, "What goes through her mind? What does she have to live for? She doesn't even know who her family is? Why does this happen to people?" After looking at the pictures for a while and everyone trying to explain who everyone was she said, "Looking at these pictures scares me. I think I am getting old."

Funny how being old ravages a body. Once, a substantial woman of 5'7" (at least), she lay in that hospital bed looking the embodiment of frail. She weighed less than a hundred pounds. She had numerous bed sores from not being able to walk. Her papery skin was pulled taught over the bones in her face making her features very sharp. Most of her teeth were gone. She had a hard time holding her head up straight.

I was walking along quite nicely, then life sneaks up behind me and slaps me in the back of the head. It pitched me forward and I haven't quite caught my balance.

Not long after that I was at work I happen to be working the register to cover some one's break. It was slow and a youngish, attractive woman comes and puts her items on the counter. Just a few things nothing big. Before I even started ringing her stuff up an old Jewish looking lady who frequents the store enough for me to recognize her came up behind her. She tells the young woman that it looks like she will be doing something interesting. The woman replies, but does not look up, "Yeah, we just lost our little son. So I have to have something to keep me busy." The first part was so clear and without emotion that I thought she may have misspoke. Then her voice broke and I knew she didn't. The comment shocked me so. I know my jaw hung and I don't remember much of the conversation except that she said the only place she finds peace is at the cemetery and she was crying. It was all to much for me to handle. I don't know what is worse the fact that her young son died or that she felt she had to tell a stranger in the checkout line.

The next thing happened in rapid succession. Kyle calls me right before work and tells me that out vacation might be off. I am thinking maybe his sister and her boyfriend are fighting and he tells me that her boyfriend's father died. He wasn't old. He was having some mild paralysis in his legs. the doctors did some tests. They found he had a staff infection in his spine. He went into surgery to have the infection removed and a blood clot came loose from not walking and killed him instantly. On the way to work I started thinking about dying and the infinite blackness that could follow until I am so deep into this thought that it makes me feel sick. It was as if all at once my organs orchestrated a revolt and on the count of three they all tried to slam up against their cage to get out.

I feel myself getting old everyday. They aren't big things. It isn't like driving down a hill with no breaks or anything. But rather, it is like that noise when you are all alone in the house. The house is very silent so it startles you and the dogs. You don't know where it came from or what it was. The dogs run off towards the noise and you wait. When your courage is gathered you walk slowly to it, but there is nothing there. Only your imagination.