Sometimes I look at a boy and am boggled by the way I am so utterly attracted and disgusted at the same time. Those feelings in the same moment, brought about by the same person, it defies the laws of physics or something.  I'm convinced that men have no humanity.  It's my fault.  Honestly, I have some expectation that some man, somewhere in my life, will learn to observe a situation and then respond accordingly in a way that suits me.  Fuck, that suits anyone besides themselves.  Sure, men have said things I wanted to hear, when they want to get laid.  And then everything they ever said evaporates slowly like water from my glass on a hot summer day, and just when I really need a drink I look down and find it empty.  Totally fucking empty.  Like their heads.  Surely I will meet a man in my lifetime that doesn't consider me only a cum receptacle.  Or worse yet, some fucking puzzle to be pawed at and toyed with until he unlocks the treat in the center.  I am the source of my own unhappiness.  I should let go of these impossible ideas.  The idea that somewhere out there there is a man who understands something about women, it's silly.  I'm not asking for a miracle, just a person who is clued into a few things.  Maybe even listens to me when I talk.  I know I'm not the only one.  I see it all the time.  Men with the patience and maturity of a 7 year old pouting and stomping off when they aren't being paid enough attention, or their ego has been damaged in some other minute way.  Why are women always saddled with the reputation of being over reactors.  This all comes to me in a flash when I'm attracted to someone I don't know.  My little flicker of hope is blown out immediately by the tornado of last times.

Operation: Get Healthy

I know I have said that before, but I had a few set backs.

So, here I go again... on my own.  Going down the only road I've ever known?  Like  a drifter I was born to walk alone.  I'm getting off task.

I joined a gym.  10 dollars a month.  Totally affordable.  Of course, I didn't actually work out today.  I have bad cramps.  I'm not sure I can handle working out too.  Instead I went to the grocery store.  I need food in my house.  I need to eat vegetables.  I bought salad materials, and found a recipe for Mustard Vinaigrette.  Can't lie, kind of excited to try that.  I think it may change my life.

I WANT!

I want Nina Flowers and Raven to make a sandwich out of me.  I'll be their MEAT!!!

Raven

Nina Flowers

More conversations:

Kyle (in all seriousness): Do you know there are people in the world who actually care what people think of them?
Me (also serious): I! know! It is so! weird! I understand caring a little, but to actually rearrange your life is just unfathomable.  It seems like it would make your life so much harder."
Kyle: I know, and I don't really see how it could get much harder, add all that unnecessary anxiety.
Me: Crazy
Kyle: Yeah

Trannies and Vomit

I was having a RuPaul's Drag Race marathon last night.  (You can watch full episodes at logo.com) I love those queers.  Their crazy costumes kinda make me want to put on girl drag, you know, wear mascara.  In the middle of the marathon, Bucket comes running in with something that doesn't look like he should be eating. I made him spit it out.  I thought it was wood, but then I smelled it.  It smelled distinctly fungal.  About one episode later he was puking all over the house.  As I was cleaning one vomit up he would go somewhere else and vomit.  For such a little dog you would not believe the volume his stomach can hold. Then I called Am/Pm Animal hospital and the guy was a total fucktard.  I asked how much is too much vomiting.  He said, "Well, if he vomited more than once I would be concerned." Um, no.  I don't go to the emergency room when I vomit twice. That is absolutely ridiculous.  His tone said I was a terrible person.  Turns out, Bucket vomited everything out and then he was fine.  That is what vomiting is for, the body's eject button.   I called another animal hospital and they told me what to look for, cause for concern and when to bring him in.  I didn't have to and everything is fine.