Many Shades of Black

I once wrote this to someone that I had once upon a time slept with. The letter before this one was a list of say ten or so reason why the relationship wouldn't go any further. Ever. In my defense, 'cause boy oh boy is it a doozy, Mystery Person pushed me. I can see now that it pushed me over the edge. This was in a "sent" folder. I don't have the previous one but I think it was numbered. I'm laughing now, but just from uncomfortableness, and the harsh reality of my meanness. It isn't a pretty picture, but it is me.


Dear Mystery Person,

The cryptic bullshit is really tired and predictable and what's more it
is really irritating. If you want to say something say it. If you
don't want to say something then don't mention it, but don't expect me
to ask. I won't.

The thing is I am right about every single one of them. Why? Because
it is my fucking opinion.

I wouldn't exactly call them mistakes if you acted like that at the
beginning of our relationship, through the worst parts and then
afterwards. I would call that a personality trait.

Lastly if that wasn't enough for you.

You think you know everything in the god damn world. It is so so
boring. You aren't willing to try new things or experience new things
or just except change in general. I don't know how many times you said
you were stuck in your ways or some bullshit. Oh, but now you have
changed. Right? So what am I supposed to believe? That you don't want
to change or that you have changed. I do recall this one thing that has
sort of nagged at me. I find it funny. Once you told me this long
drawn out story about this girl you loved and how you fucked it up
because you lied. Then you had on this ring and that was supposed to
remind you that you would never do that again. And you knew that you
would never lie or fuck up the same way again. Funny, seems to me that
that is exactly what happened, again. You don't know if it will ever
happen again cause you haven't been put in a similar situation. You
will never know. And you don't have any control over it. And if you
think you do you are kidding yourself and you haven't learned anything.

Also a huge reason, I don't know why I didn't think of this one before,
you think you can control me. Or did , or whatever. I let you, sure.
But who the fuck do you think you are to tell people what they can and
can't do. Your life ain't so great. What makes you so fucking special
that you can tell someone else what to do? I mean you picked me up in a
tattoo shop and you told me not to get anymore tattoos.... What the
fuck? I can't get over that. It is so laughable.

But I don't think you believe a word of this. I think that you think I
am saying these things because I am mad at you or that these are things
I have gathered from you being an asshole to me. I mean, why should you
believe me I am just a child. I'm sure you could tell me my opinion much
better.

So I will tell you stuff about my life, some it none of your business,
in order to let you know just how serious I am that we will never, ever,
ever get back together. You should believe me because I have never been
more truthful about how I felt about someone.

I don't love you. I'm not even sure I really like you. Judging from
the things I think about you. I don't think I do.

I love somebody else. I am happy. I am getting married.

How's that? Sufficient?

Lauren

Told you it was a doozy.



"Take it as it comes and be thankful when it's done. There's so many ways to act and you cannot take it back. There's many shades of black. "