White Christmas

It snowed on Christmas. Check it.

Merry Christmas!

We're off to New Zealand tomorrow.

I'll tell you all about it when we get back.

Until then,

My ovaries are black holes that suck all hope and joy out of every situation.

I want sensory deprivation for the next two weeks. I'm going to have PMS on vacation. Joy.

Sometimes life makes me feel like I am trying to jump into double dutch- a small sense of anxiety, head nodding and missed opportunity. When I do finally jump I feel like I just get tangled in the ropes.

By sometimes I mean two weeks out of every month. And for those two weeks my whole outlook on life is changed. Like I'm a completely different person, only worse because I can see how I'm acting and I can't do anything about it. Trapped like a rat.

Maybe I have PMDD. In the symptom column check "yes" to all. Especially decreased interest, it says in "usual" activities, but make a mental note "all" activities. Even New Zealand really isn't enough to get me excited. What a sad, sad day when vacation to someplace I have been wanting to go for years now doesn't even put a blip on my excitement radar.

I should really start documenting my moods. I don't feel like it.

Memories

In light of Corley's post about guilt I thought I would tell you something I remember. It has nothing to do with guilt, but similar in the fact that really insignificant things needle their way inside sometimes.

I have no idea why I remembered this particular incident this morning, but every time I do it stings a little. Last Christmas at Kyle's family, one of his uncles (who was going through a hard divorce and was pretty doped on either alcohol or anti-depressants or both) brought up the fact that I graduated from college. I said yes and smiled. He said, "Nobody thought you could do it." Still smiling, I kind of nodded. He didn't mean to say it and in a moment of weakness the absolute truth came out. Luckily, only Kyle and his mom were around and she quickly changed the subject. I was kind of stunned but tried to act normal. I never quit smiling. I never even brought it up again with Kyle.

Another time even longer ago (maybe two or three years) one of Kyle's cousins came over. He is quite the drinker. He was in town and too drunk to drive 30 miles home so he came over to our house to sober up. He called Kyle and asked if it was okay, but Kyle wasn't home. So Kyle calls me and he comes over (he was already in the driveway). I don't know why he said it. I can't quite remember anymore. But I think he was talking about how much he liked me and Kyle. Which is nice. He said, "I think y'all are great together. I don't care what anyone says." He definitely didn't mean to say it. I'm not quite sure he knew where he was, but all the same the truth comes leaking out. That one didn't sting so much as make me wonder. Who says? I didn't tell Kyle about that either. Who am I kidding I didn't wonder. I knew exactly who would say things like that, the same people who would think that I couldn't possibly graduate from college.

I really shouldn't let it bother me. I should have gotten over the fact that besides Kyle's parents the rest of his family wasn't fond of me a long time ago. You know, like 10 years ago. To be fair, most of his aunts and uncles lives are so fucked up I look like a bastion of normalcy. Doesn't make it any less shocking and hurtful when people I see maybe three times a year have such poor opinions of me. They no more knew me than the man in the moon.

My thighs weren't made for tights.

One hell of a winter

Last week I felt like shit. This week it feels like shit outside. You know I hate the cold? Loathe even. Despise. It is painful. I hate that going outside is some big fucking ordeal. You can't just pop out of the house in a t-shirt and jeans, as I am wont to do. (Or the ol' prison uniform, as friends have deemed it, which consists of a wife beater and a hideous pair of shorts that are The Dude-esque beige plaid.) There have been years of my life were I haven't wore any shorts, but these past few years I have found a love for long shorts and I'm missing them now. Not that I would be wearing shorts in Austin in the winter either.

Moving on.

MAD MEN!!!!

Why have I not been watching this?!? So many people told me about it. I didn't pay attention. Not true, I simply didn't realize how imperative it was that I watch NOW. Now I am in love with Don Draper. The man can wear a suit. Then there was the scene in the bathroom with the woman manager of the comedian in Season 2. I think I blacked out a little after that. I broke out in a sweat. The show does make me hate/want to be a rich white man though. I mean really, the sorry fuckers. The whole world on a platinum platter and all they can do is bitch and moan. They have a family, they have money, they have all the pussy they can get their hands on and still unhappy. Suck it up. I shouldn't be so hard on them. I couldn't have lived then. Every little thing is a dick measuring contest. The petty bullshit and the jealousy, I would have been committed a long time ago. Everything was about appearances, kind of like Korea.

I'm simple

I finally realized why I have been having dreams about rape. I have been watching Law and Order:SVU. DUH!!! I fell asleep to it this afternoon. I had a dream that Kyle had two girlfriends. One of them was old enough to be his mother. That was totally normal. In the dream one of his friends broke into his house to steal something and found her there and raped her. I went to his house with some girl, apparently a friend and lots of people were there and I started cooking in the kitchen. It was the weirdest thing. I kept asking who would do that. They kept telling me Johnny. Then I would say Johnny who. Then someone would say, "You know. Johnny." Like that solved everything. I was thinking we don't know a white Johnny that doesn't make any sense.

For real

Would you still love me if I cut my hair like this?

I'm really tempted to do it.

Three cheers for lesbians

Houston elected an openly lesbian mayor. Houston. What the fuck Austin? It should have been you.

A brand new lez club opened in Austin last month.

Hooray!

MPH has a blog

Let's all follow along.

The 5000 Gallons

My proposal:

I would like to change the popular nomenclature for homosexual. It is clear to me that the word "gay" isn't going anywhere for things that are lame or stupid or just generally bad. In fact I like using it. It is just a short little spatter of a word that amuses me. It just feels good to say. So. The word "gay" meaning homosexual is out of my lexicon.

While I'm at it I want to eradicate the words vagina, pussy, cunt, and all female anatomy words that mean someone is afraid, hurt easily, mean, a bitch, generally bad connotations. Vaginas aren't any of those things. The word "cunt" is pretty satisfying to say when someone is an asshole, so maybe that one can stick around. I mean really, what is bad about a vagina? Why do we use it to describe bad things? So I have started using "dick" for anything. When I'm having a shit day I simply say, "Dicks". Not that dicks are so terrible, I just feel like they deserve it more. They are historically less oppressed, currently less oppressed.

I feel like shit

My head is full of snot so it kind of aches. My neck has a crick in it so... it kind of hurts too. My throat hurts, so I wanted to gargle with salt water. The problem is that it is hard to bend my neck back. It feels like strep throat is imminent. If it goes that far I'll have to see a doctor so I don't loose my legs or some crazy shit. My lymph node hurts. I'm right about ready to give up on living. I'm pretty sure there is enough snot in my ears to sink a ship, if not at least enough to deafen a large animal. Now I'm hungry. Should I be starving myself for something? Isn't that a saying?

I guess I have some stories. When I don't feel like dying I'll tell you all about it.

I can't stand it when I'm pretty sure I have been asleep all night, but it doesn't feel like it.

I have had two nights of this in a row. I have weird dream like things that are exactly like real life.

I have dreams where I am looking at myself in the mirror. Usually, one thing will be different that normal. Like once I was looking at my hair because it was a different cut that what I had then. A few nights ago I dreamt I was looking at my nose. It was really crooked. I was holding my head back and looking how crazy crooked my nose was.

I think it is because I can't breath out of my nose.

I still can't believe it's December already. In short order it will be 2010. Where the hell did this year go?

Our subway stop is bumpin'. I told you about the woman dancing and getting body checked. For the second time we have seen a Mexican Mariachi band. How does a Mariachi band find it's way to the Korean Subway tour? They were drawing a pretty big crowd. I'm surprised that the Koreans like it.

I remembered a doozy

Handjob and a haircut, 2 bits.

Well, it probably costs more than two bits, but there are handjob and a haircut establishments everywhere here. There are at least three such establishments within a few blocks of this apartment. Is that not the craziest thing you have ever heard? Why would you combine the two? You can tell where to get your hair cut and your dick squeezed by observing two spinning barber shop poles next to each other, each going in a different direction. Now, I hear that they don't do the haircut and the handjob at the same time. Which do you think should come first? Would you like to be more relaxed before or after your haircut? Another question that was brought up was do you have a time limit? I think it might take a while to finish if it smells like a salon and you're worried about your hair looking good. I don't know. Maybe Koreans have a salon fetish. The sound of scissors cutting hair gets their dicks hard? Maybe they like the smell of that blue fluid they keep the combs in? Sometimes barber chairs can be pretty comfortable. My mind is brought to the privacy issue. I guess these places have separate rooms for each customer. All I can think of is that barber shop in Austin that looks like time forgot it in the HEB shopping center. A couple of old white guys run it, it has fluorescent lighting, and a bunch of chairs lined up in a single room. I imagine it full of Koreans getting jerked off. It grosses me out. Do you think you need a special hair cutting license to give handjobs too? I have so many unanswered questions!

The End

Last day of Nablopomo. I feel pretty good about it. I missed one day. Overall, I wasn't too strapped for material. Definitely my most successful month of blogging everyday. I do feel tapped out. Funny enough, the last day and I have nothing to talk about. Well, that isn't completely true. I have plenty of bitching to do I just don't feel like this is the platform.

I'll try to keep writing frequently.

I can't believe this:

I can't believe I'm in Korea.

I can't believe I've been here two months now.

I can't believe I haven't seen Grubb in that long.

I can't believe I graduated from college almost a year ago.

I can't believe no one answers my god damn emails.

Wait, I better get this out. Last week I email my mom and tell her to email me and let me know when she will call. I don't care when she does call I just have to know so I can wake up. She emails me with a time, on a day. I wake up- she doesn't call. It was a week day so there was an alarm. Sometimes I'm just up early on the weekdays, cause I can't go back to sleep after MP is getting ready for work. Cut to this week and I tell her to tell me when she is going to call, just like before. Only now she doesn't tell me and calls at 7am on a Saturday. Who's up early on a Saturday? I'm starting to think she can't read. Plus, I have emailed Kyle twice now. No answer. I'm not asking for a novel. Just a simple, Hey your dog is okay, I'm okay. Is that too much to ask? I could scream. It is so god damn frustrating. The two of them drive me crazy. Right up a fucking wall. I love them, but damn people.

Okay that feels better.

The time away from them really has helped. The time away from everything really has helped. I am starting to feel that I could go home and have a job and function and do all the things you have to do to support yourself. I still don't think I can work in an office though.

I'm starting to think I can actually articulate all the things that made me want to leave, too. Before it was too jumbled and emotional and confusing. I am making some headway to sanity.

Things I've watched lately:

True Blood Season 2- worth while, I love that giant viking motherfucker.

Antichrist- Shock, shock, shock, cringe.

Re watching Carnivale- fabulous, just like the first time.

Re watched Spain....On the Road Again- damn, I wish I was eating shellfish in Spain.

A slew of strange B horror movies from the 60's and 70's - tits, tits, tits.

Whatever Works- eh.

Law & Order: SVU- it's good to hear English.

Re watching Curb Your Enthusiasm- very funny.

I would like a big tall, blond, rich Swedish boyfriend for Christmas. Preferably, Alexander Skarsgard. If you could wrap him up like this I'd really appreciate it.

Okay? Okay.

Not feeling it

I'm not feeling very bloggy today.

So.... I'm thankful for good friends. I miss them very much and I can't wait to be back home and talk to them regularly.

Love you guys. Hope you have a good Thanksgiving.